People Are Sharing Stories About the Dumbest Person They Have Ever Met

It was 1994. I was fourteen years old. Thanksgiving was coming up in a few days, and my grandparents back in Cincinnati had planned a holiday gathering. In preparation for the big event, I went to the mall for a haircut from Regis Stylists. My hair wasn't too long, but definitely in need of a trim.

My retired police chief grandfather tolerated no "hippies". The young black (this is extremely important!) female stylist called me to the chair. She was bookwormish and attractive, looking a lot like "Sheila" from "A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master" and "Becca Thatcher" from "Life Goes On".

Yes, I remember she specifically looked like a mix of Corky's sister and Asthma Chick. For some reason, she gave me a very peculiar look when I took off my ridiculously large "Harry Potter" glasses and put them in my jacket pocket.

Without them, I am extremely impaired. The expression she gave me was a mix of intrigue and revulsion. It would have been the same if I had sprayed hair mousse in my mouth.

She inquired about my glasses, to which I said it's because I can't see well. *"What, really? You really need glasses to see?"* Yep. She laughed, doubting me. *"Hold on, hold on, lemme get this straight: you really can't see without them?"* Yep. *"So, you can't see yourself in the mirror?"*

I shook my head: *"No."* She called to one of the other stylists: *"Get this! He says he can't see without his glasses!"* I couldn't see the other woman's reaction, but she asked my stylist to hold up her fingers and ask me how many there were. *"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,"* she exclaimed.

My stylist stops cutting my hair, gets in front of me and holds up four fingers: *"How many fingers am I holding?"* Even from that distance, I could tell the correct amount, but I was sick of her nonsense and said, squinting, *"Two. I think. Three?"* She doubled over laughing. *"You really can't see!"* Eddie Murphy and Sam Kinison couldn't make me laugh harder than the way my near-blindness had her in stitches. I was getting really annoyed and embarrassed. *"Look, I'm in a hurry. Can we move along, please?"*

She wasn't done. *"Okay, okay, but let me try one more."* She was now holding her chest from the pain her laughing was causing. *"Take a look at me. You looking? Keep looking at me."* I begrudgingly complied. Where was she going with this? *"Close your eyes,"* she commanded. I did. *"Now, open!"* My eyes slowly raised. She was smiling from ear to ear, giggling like a pre-schooler who was about to tell you a fart joke they've been waiting all day to tell someone, anyone.

She goes, *"Okay, what color am I now?"* My jaw dropped and I just looked at her goofy grin, asking if she was joking. *"Uh-uh!"* She was dead serious. I took off my apron, said *"'F' this,"* put a $20 bill on the counter (the haircut was $7, I think), and walked out without another word.

My tolerance for stupid ended that very day. I went to the mall full of youthful enthusiasm and hope for the next generation. I came home the cranky old man I swore I'd never become, thanks to her. Fourteen years old.

My half-finished haircut was the talk of the family gathering. I looked like Roger Clinton during Bill's first campaign. I've never seen my grandfather wipe his eyes from laughing, except on that Thanksgiving night. Well, I sure as hell wasn't laughing.

That reminds me: I need to get my eyes checked next week. I hope she didn't switch to ophthalmology.

Username: Spatooni

I have always been a lurker, but felt like this was too good to pass up.

I teach kindergarten in a Rural area and we have Parent-Teacher conferences every year in the fall and spring. The fall conferences are more of a get to know you/build relationship and communication with parents. The spring conferences are when teachers are normally having to first broach subjects such as retention or SPED placement as we have enough data at this point to present a valid case on paper.

I have student that when he came to my class was 5 years old and could hardly speak. He grunted and made noises in attempts to make words, but was barely understandable. Obviously, this is a red flag and he’s placed into speech therapy immediately and get him SPED tested as well.

As we progress through the year, I notice his speech is starting to get much easier to understand (for him), but that he is not making the same growths academically. He’s not only been in intervention groups with me, but has been pulled into SPED intervention groups as well and splits 50-50 of his time between our classroom and theirs.

We come to our Spring Parent-Teacher conference. I’m a little nervous about talking to these parents because they did not come to the conference in the fall and communication from them has been lacking at best. The time comes, Mom and Dad both show up and have a seat. Our conferences are only 15 minutes long so not much time to beat around the bush. I praise their child’s growth in speech and how much he has matured over the school year. He’s a great kid and gets along with everyone really well and all that.

I proceed to inform the parents that his test scores are showing minimal improvement throughout the school year. I show them graphs, spreadsheets, examples of work, etc. to try and paint this picture for them. They just keep saying they don’t understand.

I say “for example, when X came to me in August, he could not identify a single letter of the alphabet or write his name. Now, it’s the end of February and he can identify 8 letter and write his name correctly 50% of the time.”

I want to acknowledge his growth while also making sure they realize he should be able to identify all upper and lower case letters at this point as well as write his name correctly at an absolute minimum.

They continue with the we don’t understand and dad starts to get emotional. He collects himself and asks “what do we need to do to help him?”

I run down a list of activities they can try at home.(not the first time they’ve been given this information)

Mom starts to get upset and asks if maybe the test is just too hard? I offer to show them exactly how a test is conducted.

I have a flip chart on my table that shows one letter at a time. I can choose uppercase or lowercase based on which way I turn it. To be considered “fluent” students have to say the name of whatever letter is shown to them within 4 seconds. If they can’t or they get it wrong, they are not fluent with that letter.

I explain this to the parents and just randomly flip to a letter and count to 4. The letter I randomly flip to is an uppercase Y. As I finish counting to 4 and telling them their son is unable to name this letter in that time, Dads face goes red and he starts shaking his head.

I ask if everything is ok and he says “I just don’t believe you. I know my son knows that letter.” I show him months worth of tests and data and say “in this setting and time limit, he does not know it well enough to be considered fluent.”

Dad pounds his fist on the desk and says “you’re wrong! I know he knows that letter! Every fuckin’ morning when I’m driving him to school he just keeps asking my ‘why? why? why?’”

At this point all I can do is look down at my desk to keep from laughing. The conference is very quickly wrapped up with him still arguing about the fact that his son definitely knows the letter Y and that obviously my testing is flawed.

Username: ThatsMistaDobalina

OK y'all, sit down, this is gonna be a ride.

My mom has a best friend who has a daughter who probably has a learning disorder but never got help and "functions" like a normal human. That said, she lacks any and all common sense, and is just plain stupid. For example, she was engaged to someone and living in their house, but not working... she hates working, but supports Trump, who says that poor people just need to work harder but she doesn't want to work, she just wants to find a husband who will pay for her to stay home.

Anyway, they had some dogs. She said taking a dog potty is "a man's job", and going to work is also "a man's job", which meant that her fiance would go to work all day, and she would not take the dogs out. She's the kind of person who sits on the couch all day on her phone and is incredibly addicted to facebook and social affirmation.

So her fiance would come home and the house would have dog poop and piss everywhere, she wouldn't have done any chores, and then she would complain that he was "too hard on" her because he expected her to spend her time doing something production. I mean, he wasn't asking her to spend all day every day doing chores and have a spotless house. Just do the normal things a normal person staying home would do: pick up the laundry, take the dogs to potty....

Anyway, he eventually broke up with her and she was CRUSHED of course because she had nothing else going on in her life. She was 100% invested in being a "fiance-planning-a-wedding" (except she was horrible about it - sent out Save the Dates without a fucking date on it!).

So, living in the same city as my sister, my sister picks her up and puts her on a plane, paying for it herself with the impression she would be paid back by DumDum (who said she would) after she pawned the ring.

Fast forward a week, DumDum and her mom come over to my parents house, and she starts bragging about how she pawned the ring then spent all the money on one single shopping trip at the mall..... and she still hasn't paid my sister back the $300 for the plane ticket. She got $900 for the ring but couldn't put away $300 to pay someone back. Her mom eventually had to.

And while she's bragging about this, she starts telling us about a boy she met at a HS football game she went to (she graduated two years prior if that says anything). She got dumped by her fiance a week prior who apparently was the love of her life and she was already dating a new guy and had spent the ring money on lingerie to wear for him...

So this guy is a real catch. He insists he is a firefighter, but he couldn't actually pass the reading exam. But she posts on FB all day that she's a firefighter's girlfriend.... even though he's not. So she's 100% into the "Firefighter's girlfriend" role, even though he isn't one...

Anyway, she "figured out" that she needed to get pregnant to get a man to stay with her. She thought she was pregnant, but it turned out, the sperm got into the egg, but their genetics were literally unable to communicate with each other. It almost sounds like their genes were too stupid to make a baby. I know this isn't the reality of the biological problem, but if any of you knew her as long as I have, that would be your first thought.

She is the worst. Just so so so so so stupid. To top it off, so is her brother. But their mom isnt? It's the weirdest thing. My parents have bent over backwards to help those two people (mom's best friend's kids). Even gave the boy a car to drive so he could get a job to help his single mom pay her bills.

He got a flat and decided he'd rather buy a new (used) car than tell me dad he got a flat. So he avoided my dad's calls for literally weeks until my dad showed up at his house like "where;s my car, why aren't you answering my calls?"

Then they found out he stole my dad's CC to pay for the gas and fast food to drive to get the new car because he didn't want tot ell my dad he had a flat.

Username: [deleted]

Girl I work with.

To stupid to replace a Trashbag in a Trashcan, instead of putting it in the can she lays ot over the can, the first person to throw something away will inevitably make the entire bag fall into the can. She has heard multiple coworkers complaints about this and once you tell her WTF how do you mess up putting a trashbag into the bin, she will fix it but the next time she changes the trashbag... its as if you hit a reset button and shes oblivious to it again.

Cleaning... shes to stupid to clean anything. Clean her desk? She cant. She will literally use a tissue and rub it back and forth instead of wiping the table off, she also wipes around whatever is on her desk, be it a pen, a notepad, kalender a calculator... she will wipe ARROUND it without moving it aside to clean the area underneath it. The same type of shit when she uses a broom... she literally brushes back and forth instead of sweaping everything into one direction and she doesn't move anything out of the way, be it chairs, trashcan or boxes, she will just sweep around them.

Cleaning her restroom, we have over 50 employees working here and she is the only female. 49 men use the same restroom and our restroom is cleaner than hers that only she uses and cleans herself.

She prints out documents that are prehighlighted, meaning the area she wants to highlight is printed in yellow... she highlights them again anyway... EVERY TIME.

She cant remember anything she has to write everything down. Sometimes she writes herself a note, that explains another note she wrote for herself.

One time I was getting off work early and a male coworker told me that he will take care of the paper work for me tomorrow and that all I had to do was grab it and deliver it to where I was going. So the next day when I get into work theres a note on my desk saying "Tell 01-559-2620 about the paperwork" So I ask her whats up with the note? What note she asks and I say the note in your handwriting on my desk saying tell me about the paperwork? And she just blank stairs me because she cant fucking remember what her own note meant. So I inquire further, I was supposed to get paperwork today... where is it? I don't know she says I'm just supposed to tell you about it, and I ask again... tell me what about it? Where is it? I don't know she says... basically what happened is the system went down after I left and my coworker told her that he cant print it off and that I have to do it myself in the morning.... but she didn't remember any of that shit.

I once told her not to answer the phone which is attached to the fax machine because I am waiting for an important fax that under no circumstances she should answer the phone because its a FAX 100% guaranteed. She spoke to me and acknowledged that she understood. I had to use the restroom as I enter and do my business I can hear the phone/fax combo ring outside and I'm like oh that's my fax except it stops ringing after 1 ring... like wtf... and I already know what happened even before I left the rest room... this stupid bitch answered the phone. So I come out and see her looking at the phone bamboozled and she says: Its only beeping. I tell her... of course it is I told you I'm getting a fax and I told you to NOT fucking answer the fucking phone and she just says to me I didn't know..... I didn't know.... I just spoke to you about this... u said yes u will not answer you acknowledged wha ti said and said you will not answer the phone and as soon as I leave you do what you said you will not do??? like wtf is wrong with you, and she says I don't remember.

Theres a few hundred more stories...

Shes 35ish and she learned to be a fucking dentist helper... can you even imagine how many peoples teeth she fucked up before starting to work in this warehouse?

I always say she does not celebrate birthdays but years she just by good fucking luck happened to not accidentally kill herself in some fucking Darwinian fashion.

Username: 01-559-2620

I had a person in my class who's name is Chad (I would change the name but it comes into play later). We were in a art class and we needed to make a art portfolio to store all things we painted, drawn, or colored.

On the portfolio we had to create a nameplate on one side of the of it. For his he was doing all uppercase bubble letters..., but he ended up making a lowercase O so he put CHoD ( CH-Ode) on his paper, and because we were in middle school at the time and there were only 4 boys in the class (I hung out with them so they just counted me as one of the boys) we ate it up and thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world.

I forgot to mention this is but this was a private school so we paid to go there and for a good education so him misspelling his name was the start to him going into a autism state. I know his cousin at my school that I'm at now and she says that he hasn't gotten any better.

I also have a person in my school now that just started midway through the 2017-2018 school year who is heavily catholic/christian (I dont bother to talk to him because I find talking to dumb people to hurt my brain and I already have constant headaches) but we were in art class 2 weeks after he had transferred over to our school. He out of nowhere said "yeaaaa.

So I went to a abortion clinic protest last night." And the way he said it he sounded like the proudest kid in the world. (my school used to be a hotel building so our first floor has a lot of maintenance and echoing rooms one of them being the art room) it was pretty loud in there because it kinda turns into a screaming fest to just talk to your friends, but, but... as he said that the entire room went silent.

You could have heard a pin drop that's how quiet it had gotten after he said that.

That is when he started getting people to hate him because he also talks about religion or brings religion into a normal topic for no good reason. My school is a charter school with people of all different cultures and races just most keep there religious views to themselves because we are only ment to tolerate eachother for a couple years and that's it not get to know eachother to much just know the basics of your character. He also doesnt realize how roasting works today 5/8/19 my friend Jerome (name changed for privacy) started getting on him for the clothes he wears because he always looks like a dad that just got out of mass or a jehovah witness.

Ty (catholic boy name changed for same reason as Jerome's) gives him a backhanded compliment, I was a table behind and 3 seats to the right of them so I could hear all of it so i tap my friend to the right and ask if we should get involved to see what he would say and my friend I was sitting next to literally just looks up sees who I'm talking about and says " that's why you wear the pedophile 12s " and Ty goes for the race card (ty is mayo white), my friend who I'm sitting next to is mixed and built like he is a literal tank (absolute unit!).

Luckily me and Jerome (hes white as well about the same skin tone as me a little tan but we still can get burnt easily after sitting outside for 5 minutes) realize what Ty was about to say and play loud rap and rock music to make sure the unit couldnt hear what Ty said. It was bad me and Jerome wanted to beat him because Ty is the one of those people who dont think before speaking and says some dumb stuff.

I may sound like a bit of a jerk for saying all the things here but those are the two idiots I know.

Btw this is my first post on reddit so plz dont go to hard at me.

Username: Jay23124

Both my Dad and my Grandma (Dad’s mom) are 2 of the stupidest people I know. They are also narcissistic, so according to them they are never wrong and if something happens it’s always something or some one else’s fault.

Examples:

My Dad once asked me if he could cook bacon on a plastic plate in the microwave. I told him no and then sadly had to explain why.

My sister’s fiancé gave my mom 3 led solar lights that change colors, they are clear and shaped like hummingbirds. So my mom put them in the back yard at the little brick retaining wall we have out there, and they are visible from the kitchen window. One Wednesday evening a bit after it got dark, my Mom had went to church, so it was just me and my Dad, I was in my room when all of a sudden my Dad yells frantically “ibeabludevil, come here right quick, there’s something strange going on in the backyard!”. So I go up to the kitchen to see what his deal is and he tells me there are some strange lights in the backyard and he don’t know what’s happening. I tell him that they are the new led solar lights that my sister’s fiancé gave to Mom. He said “oh my God, I thought a damn space ship had landed in the backyard or something!”. I just told him yeah I wish it was the mother ship coming back to reclaim your stupid ass.

This also involves the microwave and my Dad. He seemed to think that it takes 30 minutes to reheat a few slices of pizza. He always does this with anything he heats in the microwave, he heats it for way longer than it requires and I have lost count of how many plastic bowls he has ruined.

My Grandma in all her infinite glory and wisdom thought it would be a good idea to burn a candle in a styrofoam cup. If my Grandpa, God rest his soul, had not have walked by the living room when he did to see the candle burning and the cup melting and partially on fire and put it out, the whole freaking house would have burned down.

There was a groundhog that was getting into my Grandpa’s old barn and chewing up the wood work, so he had a trap and asked my sister to set it for him to catch the little guy and relocate him elsewhere. He said he would keep an eye out and my sister said she would check it in a few days. Well, 3 days later the trap worked and caught the groundhog, so my sister came and got him and took him a few miles away and released him into the woods.

When she returned to bring my Grandpa his trap and tell him that she let him go in the woods a few miles down the road my Grandma piped in and asked “Well, what was his name?”. My sister looks at my Grandpa like WTF is she serious, my Grandpa mumbles “I told y’all she was stupid, been tryin’ to tell people that for years.” So, my sister replies “I don’t know Grandma he wouldn’t tell me his name!”. Yeah, now everyone knows Grandpa won’t joking!

My Grandma is currently in a nursing home, since my Grandpa passed away the house and farm were vacant for a few years till we could settle things. The old pastures became safe havens for deer, turkey, foxes, the occasional coyote or 2 and a black bear. We went to check on the property weekly and the neighbor next door told us to be alert as he had seen a big black bear cross the old pasture a few days prior.

When I went to visit my Grandma I told her there was a bear in the front pasture, her reply “some damn old zoo probably dropped him off, you know they do that kinda thing all the time.” Now mind you, my Grandma has no dementia or Alzheimer’s and no signs of anything wrong with her memory or mental faculties, she can remember things even I can’t recall, she’s just plain dumb. I thought that maybe she had misheard me saying that it was a bear, so I told her again that it was a bear, a black wild bear. She says “I heard you, like I said some damn old zoo dropped him off, probably got tired of feeding him or something or ran outta room.” At this point I’m mind blown at her level of stupidity, apparently Grandma believes bears only come from and exist in zoos.

I have plenty more stories like these from the 2 of them, I could probably write a novel on their dumb-assery alone.

Username: [deleted]

I worked as a delivery driver a few years ago. Helpers didn't last long. Most of them were big dumb animals, but this kid was an absolute specimen. He belonged in a museum of oddities. Let's call him Hamdrew. Hamdrew was about 25, claimed to have graduated from a community college with a degree in broadcast journalism (he later explained to me that he'd gotten in due to a clerical error) and talked like Fry's Grandfather Enos from Futurama.

Well, Hamdrew was pudgy and weak, and his body was not meant to carry heavy things. I have no idea what he thought it was going to be like, but the day I met him he watched me loading a box truck full of furniture and I tried to explain to him it was like this all day every day. He said he understood and could handle it, but I could see in his eyes that he was thinking about cake.

I was stuck babysitting this oaf for many months, while he dropped things, ran into walls, made awful grunting noises every time he picked up a pillow, and basically made my life hell on a daily basis. He was a very nice man-child, but his incompetence knew no bounds. Of all the nonsense I witnessed, this incident was by far the most absurd.

One morning, months into our working relationship, while loading our delivery truck (or rather, while he watched me load things and I tried to keep him out of my way) Hamdrew asked me if I want him to dolly a couch onto the truck. I did. He asked if I wanted him to bring it on backwards and put it in the spot I have clearly placed pads down for. I did. I turned around to check some paperwork while he struggled to dolly the couch on the truck. A few moments later I heard him call out my name. I walked over to the truck and looked inside. No sign of Hamdrew. I made a confused face and asked what he wanted. I heard his muffled voice coming from behind the upright standing couch.

Me - "What are you doing?"

Hamdrew - "Narrator, I blocked myself in and I don't know what to do now. I'm stuck."

Me - "What do you mean you 'don't know what do'? Just put it back on the dolly and come out the way you came in."

Hamdrew - "But then how do I get the couch back in this way?"

Me (visibly angry) - "Are you...fucking with me? You can't not understand how to get out. It's not possible."

About this time I had to sit down. I think I was having an anger induced stroke. My manager walked by and asked me what I was doing. I pointed at the truck. He looked inside, confused. He asked me where Hamdrew was and I pointed into the truck again and said he was stuck in there. He started laughing and asked me what I was talking about.

Me - "I'm 100% serious. He's blocked himself into a corner with a couch, and he says he doesn't know what to do."

Manager - "Hahah what? Well help him I guess...right?"

Me - "This isn't a problem I can solve. This is natural selection. If he can't work this one out on his own he'll just starve to death eventually."

Manager - "Hahaha this can't be real. Hamdrew, just put it back on the dolly and walk it out."

I hear some clanking and I can see him trying to pick the dolly up and move it around the couch. There isn't enough room. We sat and watched him for 2 or 3 minutes why he struggled to solve this real life Tetris level. It was the most baffling thing I've ever witnessed.

Before you take Hamdrew's side here and get mad at me for being mean to the boy, please consider the following;

We'd been loading trucks together for months, so this wasn't some new concept for him. Also, it's just moving furniture from one spot to the next like big puzzle pieces. If there's an empty space, you put a couch there. You can't wedge yourself into a small space against a wall with a giant couch. It's insane. I had to let it play out.

Username: bbibbyrapskyle1975

Ooh, I used to work with a legend. I've probably met dumber people who've kept their idiocy more discreet, but this man was dumb in an incredibly overt way. Great guy for the most part, kind, hard-working, but even basic problem solving was well beyond him. Some examples from him, practically a daily occurrence:

* He lived nearby work, and any time he heard loud noises when he was off shift, he'd phone and ask about them. I'm pretty sure he knew exactly what we were doing, he just felt like calling and asking why we were doing it.

* Unfortunately, he was severely alcoholic, and got kicked out of virtually every local drinking estabishment, so he started taking to drinking in restaurant lounges. He'd often trip and fall while stumbling home. One time in particular he landed on his face and got a small gash above his eyebrow. It looked like his eyebrow was constantly furled up, like he was always asking a question. He asked a lot of questions, even about things he had done hundreds of times.

* After it had snowed a couple inches the night before, he asked if it froze overnight.

* Vastly overestimating his own strength, he'd try feats such as trying to rock 10,000 lb fork lift trucks out of 6+ inches of mud, or prevent 3,000 lb bags from falling of truck beds. If it wasn't for nearby supervision/co-workers, he'd be dead several times over.

* While operating a fork lift, he'd regularly bump into things (usually lightly, thankfully), including other forklifts who have stopped to allow him more room. His usual response was to turn around and tell the stationary guy who was waiting for him to watch where he was going.

* Another worker was telling a story about some chick hitting on him, and he responds with, "she wants your ding-dong!"

* We had an adjustable length conveyor line, with chain between segments. The rest of the production workers told him we needed to shorten the conveyor, and told him to get the chain shrinker, as one would. At first, it looked like he didn't quite believe that was a thing, but after most of us deadpanned it, he started to believe it. So he looked, and couldn't find any.

Meanwhile, we took a can of orange spray paint, wrapped the outside in duct tape, wrote chain shrinker on it in felt, with a crude doodle of a chain. Then we told him exactly where to find it. We watched him examine the can with a slightly puzzled look on his face, and an audible, "huh." He went up to the line and and one of the guys showed him how to apply it, making sure to get it evenly coated on the chain that needed to be shrunk.

The orange colour was explained away as showing you where you've already covered. We told him it needed about an hour to set, so he goes for lunch. During lunch, a couple guys wipe off the paint, and just pull out the bolt fixing the chain in place and adjust it a few links down.

The chain next to the "shrunk" portion was visibly drooping. The rest of use are just chilling in the break room until we need to go back to work, when one of the maintenance supervisors pokes his head in. In his words, "I don't know what you told [him], but he just came up to me and told me *that shit fucking works!*" There was probably about 5 minutes where none of us could breath.

After that, we tried to convince him he shrank it too much and needed to apply some chain stretcher, but he wasn't buying that one for some reason.

I kind of miss the guy.

Username: AlleRacing

Oh man! Finally!

So there’s this guy. We will call him Ross. Because he looked, EXACTLY, like Ross from friends. So much so that they created a Facebook group for him called “The guy at [college name] that looks like Ross from friends.” They’d post pics and vids of him around town.

There are a million stories about Ross and what a dumb fucking Neanderthal he was. His parents raised him with their pocket books instead of school books. But there’s one story that really of encompasses all of Ross.

We’re freshman at college and it’s been 1 week since Ross tried weed for the first time. And like any dingus who waited 18 years to try pot; he was SUPER into it right away. Which to be fair isn’t that unusual. Well he met my best friend at another students room picking up. D, being the nice person he is, invites that 90s sitcom doppelgänger back to the room. We meet each other, all go to the bathroom to smoke (sad but hilarious), and finish off the entirety of Ross’ recently purchased gram and all of D’s weed he was willing to smoke.

We don’t know Ross all that well yet so we don’t stop him when he says he’s going to get more weed. He walks all the way to the Bank of America. He takes out a $20 bill and walks back to the dorms. Buys a single gram and comes back to the room. We smoke the gram. He REPEATS THE PROCESS. Bank, dorm, gram, gone. Then he does it again!

After the third gram he’s bought in like 2 hours we say to him: “Ross, if you take out a 50 you can get an 8th. That’s an extra half gram for $10 less.”

(He had a nervous, bumbling, mumbling way of talking. Like he had taken a huge bite of peanut butter right before giving an important speech he wasn’t prepared for.)

“I know guys. (He didn’t) I need my parents to think I’m buying food and clothes.” Was his response..... We spent some time trying to get him to see the light. It took a year. But this story is just getting started.

D had met an older girl with an apartment that he got along with; whom he also thought I’d really like. So the three of us go to her house to drink cheap wine and watch it’s always sunny. “We had to invite Ross! He just smoked us up on the worlds most expensive 8th!” D is way too nice. I would have invited Ross myself but I could tell he was clearly toasted past the point of civil conversation. He was barely capable of conversation from the start. But he came with us.

We’re at K’s (the girl’s) house and we each had like two and a half glasses of wine. One of us is SCHWASTED! Guess who. It’s not all bad. He’s being goofy, the girl finds him funny, he’s spilling on himself and what not but not like terribly. But after little bit of this, it gets annoying. So D and I walk Ross back home. We’re a little ahead of him by the time we get back to the dorm rooms.
We enter the building and there is EVERY SINGLE RA in the school on the bottom floor. Ross comes fucking charging towards the door. We have one of those like 2 seconds slowmo deals where we watched in horror as he very obviously drunk and very obviously stoned came crashing into the glass door of the building at full speed.

We had known Ross for about 6-7hours and had been in college for two weeks. So we walked outside, picked him up, and told him to get the fuck away from the dorms before he got us all expelled. Then booked it the opposite direction ourselves.

The rest I did not see but had recollected to me over time.
He proceeded to do the following:
He went out and found more to drink somehow.
Bought another gram of weed and basically gave it to a strange girl.

Got irate for 24hrs when said girl didn’t sleep with him.
Stumbles and knocks over 20+ motorcycles outside a very popular bar.
Runs away. And is consequently chased by bikers, tackled into the sidewalk, and chocked our so ferociously that he had finger prints on his neck for days.

Arrested for underage drinking and some misdemeanor involving accidental destruction of property.
And his parents made the whole thing go away without the school even knowing. Lesson learned? Yeah right.

Username: maxwellparrish

Fucking Billy. Billy, the kid my boss hired out of sympathy. He had made a habit of hiring young kids, because if they were THAT desperate for a job he’d help out. These are 16 year olds, so they couldn’t drive. They could only work inside, which meant answer phones, make pizzas/etc, work the oven, clean, do stock, fold boxes. Basic pizza joint shit.

Fucking Billy. He could fuck up anything.

We had one rule about answering phones. If you picked up the phone, you did NOT just guess the customer name on the screen. When the phone rang, the computers would list the name/number and you had to make sure you knew who you were selecting. Once the selection is made, it locks other screens out, but that would lead to the OTHER person answering the phone thinking you had confirmed and they’d select the (sometimes only) other name. Worse case scenario is this happening during a rush, and then two orders get mixed up and since now we don’t know which two got mixed up we have to sleuth it out during a rush. Best case, you yell at the other person to back out so the mistake can be fixed before orders go through.

He’d fuck it up every time. Phone rings, he’s taking the order, fuck asking the person what their name/address is!

He’d cut the pizzas like a fucking idiot. Both remakes due to Billy.

Billy would start talking to someone and forget that HE was on the oven, and you’d hear that lovely SPLAT sound that hand tossed pizzas make when they fall on the floor. Topping side down. Right out of the oven. Thanks for the hot mess, Billy, you fucker.

He’d put labels on wrong. Or cover up the label that was for extras (sauce/drinks/etc) or have them on the folded part that can’t be seen meaning people doing the oven would miss them, meaning the driver had to check (which, if the labels are right, and the person doing the oven was good, there was no need to check, even though you really should in either case).

We told him to clean the bread pans out. The ones we used to have (long ago replaced by now) had a ton of carbon buildup on them. They were a bitch to clean because you had to scrub the fuck out of them. Genius Billy decided he was going to soak them. So he filled about a dozen with soapy water and went off to do something else (probably done wrong) and this fucko comes back to something AMAZING. The pans have NO WATER in them. He pulls me and another coworker back to the dish/laundry/cleaning supply room and we’re wondering why all the pans that he’s supposed to be washing are on the fucking unswept floor. He tells about soaking and how they absorbed all the water!

We tell him he’s a fucking idiot because the bread pans, ALL OF THEM HAVE HOLES. He was trying to tell us that the oil on the pans absorbed the water. He was staunchly resolute that he was right and we were wrong, despite putting a pan in the sink, filling it with water, and then letting the water drain out of it. Through the holes.

Fuck you, Billy.

He wouldn’t count out change, or would try to just ‘do the math in his head’. Money was always short.

Man just thinking about this guy. Ok fuck I’m done.

Fuck you, Billy.

My boss felt sorry for him, which is why it took forever to fire him. It was probably the worst thing that my boss did back then (and to this day he’s my favorite boss still).

Username: flechette

I've worked alot of construction and you come across some interesting guys but no one compares to *Guy*.

First of all his real name was Christopher but he didn't care for it so he gave himself the moniker of Guy. That's right. Guy didn't like his name and out of all the names to choose from he chose to go by *Guy*. To me this sums up Guy.

He had apparently lived in an Indian reservation his entire life. His dad was full blooded Cherokee but had died when Guy was young. He never graduated high school, worked as a Wal Mart greeter most of his life, had never had his own apartment or paid bills or adulted whatsoever. Apparently one day he decided to move to Florida and start a new life at 30 years of age.

I met him on a painting crew and was immediately awestruck by how sheltered he was. He was staying with family but wanted his own place. He came to see my apartment complex in hopes of renting is own place but immediately stuck his nose in the air saying it was too small and too expensive.

I had a 1 bedroom with a laundry room for $550. I told him that was relatively cheap and he'd be hard pressed to find something cheaper. I then had to explain the concept of a deposit which he didn't quite understand. "So does that go towards my rent?"

He asked and I swear to god cocked his head like a confused dog. Speaking of dogs he had 2 and was unaware of pet deposits. He asked me if he chained them up outside if they'd wave that fee. No, Guy.. they wouldn't. Then I had to explain power deposits to him which blew his mind because he didn't know he would have to get an utilities account. He had never heard of a power bill.

Okay, so Guys just sheltered, right? That doesn't make him stupid. Well.. He would always have me double check his time card to make sure his pay was right. He was convinced he was being shorted. After three weeks of this I showed him how to use the calculator on his phone. Again, Guy was blown away he'd had this power in his pocket this whole time.

He constantly used words and phrases wrong. One morning I was kinda tired and he told me I looked 3 sheets to the wind. I kinda laughed knowing I probably looked disheveled but assured him I wasn't drunk.

He looked confused and said "No, man you just look tired". That's not what you said, Guy. He argued with me about the pronunciation of gyro almost weekly always laughing it off until I "Ok Googled" it one day and he could hear it for himself. I think he still didn't believe me.

I could go on and on about Guy but I got here late and nobody is going to see this. He had no clue who Vladimir Putin was, asked me what pool darts were as we walked into a bar (the sign said pool - darts meaning the establishment had both forms of entertainment) and was confused about credit cards (Why couldn't you just buy a bunch of stuff and then, like, move. They'd have no clue how to find you.)

I think of Guy often and wonder if he's still alive. I dont know how this big, confusing, scary world hasn't gotten the best of him yet.

Username: PeaDock

Freshman year roommate was so dumb she locked herself in our room accidently when the lock was on HER side of the door, extremely gullible, and was convinced all of her pregnancy symptoms we're caused by acclimating to high altitude.

My roommate freshman year of college was hands down the biggest moron I've ever met. We were going to school in Colorado and were living in an apartment style dorm. She was an international student and was drop-dead gorgeous, although her preferred style was to look slightly homeless.

First off, she locked herself in our room and couldn't figure out how to get out even though the lock was our her SIDE of the door. She called me freaking out while I was in the middle of class, begging me to come let her out. I got home and walked in the room without an issue because THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED THE WHOLE TIME! She was saying the handle wasn't working.

So I had her stand on the other side while I investigated on our side. I pushed down the handle and saw through the crack in the door that the pushing the handle down didn't pull the latch completely out so the door wouldn't open. I immediately lifted the handle instead of pushing it down to see if it had the same effect, but the door opened instead!

She had been in the room for 3 hours while I was in calculus and couldn't figure out the answer to the problem I solved in literally less than 5 seconds! 3 HOURS!

She was also insanely gullible. We would tell her obviously false facts about things (Neil Armstrong said the moon tastes salty, dolphins are marsupials, sewer gators farting causes the steam you see from the streets [oh ya did I mention this was in Colorado?]) And she would believe them as fact! She would tell them as "fun facts" at parties and not understand why everyone thought she was "funny".

We only lived together for a month due to one final incident. She was from an island country so moving from sea level to Colorado, altitude acclimation time was to be expected.

The first week we lived together, she was asking me all sorts of question about the altitude; most about if the altitude caused you to miss your period, boob swelling, strange cravings, smelling weird smells, or morning sickness. Whenever I asked of she could be pregnant, she always denied the possibility.

She was in such a state of denial that I had to get my other roommates involved. We forced her to take a pregnancy test. We got her one of the packs that come with two tests. She took both and both of them came back positive. She STILL wasn't convinced.

She told me "those grocery store tests are wrong all the time. They don't tell you anything". She wasn't even convinced when she started showing and never saw a doctor. I'm not sure what happened to the pregnancy. She ended up getting expelled for threatening to kill someone in a social media post along with a picture of her with a gun about a month later.

Honestly the part that scares me the most is that we both got into the same school....

Username: Surfsup17

Will get buried, posting for that one guy who reads these threads 2 years from now.

It was February, Spring term in Vermont, plenty of snow on the ground, like a solid foot. Everything is white, aside from the wet salted pavement paths leading to each dorm.

I'm sitting at my desk, which is at a large long window in my triple looking out the back of my dorm, towards the final row of dorms. I can't see all the way to the right, solely because of where my desk was next to a wall. I can see mostly to the left, and importantly where the path turns to wrap around my dorm, and where the path ends at the dorm my window overlooks. Directly in front of me (next to the overlooked dorm) there is a fairly steep hill, probably 15 foot drop over 20 feet. Not huge, but steep enough to double as a little hill, which continues to wrap around the overlooked dorm and go parallel to me looking out my window (perpendicular to the plane of the window). You'll see why this is relevant.

Cue this absolutely bonkers girl we will call Ally. Now, I went to a liberal arts school (a small one at that), where most people are some level of crazy. Everyone has something weird about them, but this girl took it to a whole new level of wat. Glasses with thick black frames, long dark brown curly hair that got brushed every now and then, shorter, maybe 5'5" and 140lbs, most of which was a result of her MASSIVE knockers. Her face looks like she would sound all stuffy and nasal-ey, like a cat lady pre-cats but post-math teacher.

Anyways....

She's all suited up in this purple and pink ski-suit. Not sure if it was a onesie, but she had matching everything, gloves, fuzzy dangly hat, even fucking goggles. Even further, this chick was on skis. Ok, not out of place right? Vermont, winter, hills, ok, she could be legit.

But no. Poles and all, this girl is sssshhhhhhcrrappeing along THE PAVEMENT PATH on her DOWNHILL skis.

Ok, dotMJEG, give her the BOTD, there's a hill right there, she's just overly excited and testing them out.....

ssshhhcrrapp sshhhcrapp sssshcrrrape she goes down the pavement, and takes the turn to go around my dorm. "Ok, she's probably going to a larger part of the hill"..... I think as the sound of fiberglass dragging on pavement fades into the distance.

NOPE. About 3 minutes later, the sound begins to return, getting louder and louder, and Ally goes sshhhcrape sshhhcraaping by again, on the pavement.

Wut.jpg

I thought that two passes would do it, but this chick went around my dorm (and up the road and back down the path, probably 200m around) 5, motherfucking, times. 5 FUCKING TIMES.

This chick scrapes past my windows, in what I can only imagine as now nicely peeled, brand new skis she probably got from Santa, or whatever deity she worships.

I thought she was just nuts. But god damn, Santa must have also gotten her a lobotomy because I can't, for all the fucks in the world, figure out what the hell was going through her skull.

Username: dotMJEG

I've met so many stupid people I've lost count. There's no way I can choose between all of them.

I could tell you about the girl in my class who asked why the American Revolution was called the American Revolution, and she was genuinely confused as to why.

I could tell you about my coworker who complained about his finances and proceeded to tell me how he had at least 200 pairs of shoes (nice ones, J's, limited edition shit. But I'll be generous and say he averaged $100 per pair. So that's $20,000 on shoes and he's working a job making at most $30,000 a year...)

I could tell you about my other coworker who told me that he legitimately believes that mental illnesses shouldn't be classified as mental illnesses and it's just that person's way of being different or some shit. (I know this is confusing let me explain.)

We were talking about the movie Split and he basically ended up saying that having multiple personality disorder isn't bad and that we should let them live their lives.

I, obviously dumbfounded, said uh no that's a serious mental illness, to which he replied that's what they used to say about being gay now look (uh as if the two are similar in any aspect)

I could tell you about the kid I met on a trip to LA. I started talking to him and asked him if he was in college, working, or something else and he told me that he wasn't going to college and that he spent all of his savings on camera equipment and that he was trying to become like Jake Paul (vlogger, social media influencer) so instantly in my mind I went oh boy.

But I was cool, I went along with it. I asked him what his plan was and if he had a big following or whatever. His reply was "no I don't but I know like how Jake makes his videos and I understand his style so I think I'll make it" to which I replied "what do you mean?" To which he replied "I just watch his stuff and I know how he does everything so i know how to grow a following."

Instantly my mind went "yep, he's fucked/a dumbass." The best part was when I found his account a month later. Less than 20 subs and the most cringey videos I've ever watched. Even if they were decent still, cut throat industry and why in the hell would you want to be like Jake Paul?

I could tell you about the guy I know (I don't know him directly I knew a other guy involved, and sadly so) who took a video of some guys in his frat making racist jokes and saying the n word (so first off, not funny and not cool at all in any way) and then decided "hey why don't I post this to my social media?"

Yeah, got picked up by the media and all of those guys got expelled from the frat (rightfully so) and the guy who took the video got expelled from the university as well. Like what the actual fuck was he thinking? How do you think that would ever go well?

Anyways, I could go on for ever and ever. We live in a world full of neanderthals.

Username: entjlg

I'm a bit late to the party here, but I have some fun things my mom said. She's not stupid by any means, but her intelligence when it comes to abstract concepts or animals is less than stellar. I'm the animal kid of the family, I could recite facts about most animals without a second thought.

I told her about a video of the shark that had washed up on the beach and the people realized it was a pregnant shark, so they cut open the body to let the baby out back into the ocean.

It was obviously very late-term, the baby probably would have been born in the week had the mother not died on the beach. First, mom said "Won't the baby die?? It need's it's mom!" I think.. Well that's understandable, i guess the fact sharks eat their own babies as soon as they're born if the baby doesn't swim away isn't the most known fact..

But she follows up with "Won't it die without milk??" and I just stare at her with the biggest eyes of confusion I could possibly muster. It's a hilarious thing to rag on ehr about whenever she says some dumb thing about animal anatomy. I had to try to explain that shark are fish and fish don't make milk, only mammals do.

She has a very hard time with the concept of why whales and porpoises aren't fish but sharks are. I tend to say spine direction and lungs versus gills, but she still forgets, it seems!

Furthermore, she grew up on a farm, so she's seen her fair share of cows getting artificially inseminated. I don't remember how we got on the topic exactly, but my friend who was in the rom at the time said something like "A cow gets pregnant through the butt" except she says weird shit all the time and knows a decent amount about animals, but I still remarked with "What??

You don't get pregnant through the butt..." and mom swiveled around and was like "ACTUALLY they get them pregnant through the butt!! That's where they stick their arms when they do it". Once again, I just stared at her and immediately started dying of laughter at how ridiculous that sounded.

I had no idea where she could have possibly figured that and had to desperately ask how in the world she would ever think that, anatomically, a vagina would branch from the opening of the anus.

I ended up looking up a picture of an internal graph of how they do artificial insemination and realized why she was confused; they DO stick one arm up the ass of the cow, but the rod that contains sperm is inserted into the vagina as the butt-hand grasps the vaginal canal from inside the butt..

Kind of weird, but it totally explains why she THOUGHT it was happening in the butt... Thinking about it for more than one second makes it pretty clear that that makes no sense and no mammal on this planet has a vagina inside their asshole.

Little long winded but I'm always bad at summarizing stories.

Username: mute-owl

One of my current roommates is a barely functioning idiot. I shall call him Dan. Sad part is he went to college! He is a long distance runner. He was on his college track team (full ride scholarship) and he was even on the U.S. Track Team for a year. So he was very good at his sport. I'll never take that from him.

The event that immediately pops into my head thinking about Dan's intelligence is:

One day I was sitting on the couch watching a documentary on galaxy formation. Dan gets home from work and stops while looking at the the TV with a strange perplexed expression. Then we had this conversation.

Dan - "What are they talking about there is only one galaxy?".

Me - "No Dan there are billions of galaxies in the universe"

Dan - Yelling angrily "I went to college! They taught me that there is only one Galaxy and it's named the Milky Way!"

He then stormed off to his room.

There is no way this man passed any college courses on his own. The only way he made it through college is they passed him along so he could compete. Seriously he can barely read.

He has serious issues using any form of technology. He has trouble using a flip phone.

If anything goes wrong he has to call either me or our other roommate. No matter how small the problem is he can't think it though on his own, so he calls one of us for help.

I even had to change out the doorknob on the bathroom, because he kept locking himself in the bathroom and couldn't unlock it. It was one of those that you push in the knob and turn it to lock it. Then you push in the knob again and turn it the opposite direction to unlock it. I had to replace it with a knob with a push button so he'd stop locking himself in. The new doorknob auto unlocks when you turn the knob.

He's also blown the engine in two different cars. If he's driving and a warning light comes on he just ignores it. We have to tell him when he needs to get the oil changed or tires rotated on his vehicle.

We had to ban him from using the stove. He's almost burned down the house multiple times. Last straw was when we caught him cooking an egg on the glass stove top without a pan. Just straight on the top of the stove.

He started a fire in the microwave with popcorn. He set it for 10 minutes and walked off. He figured it would shut off when the popcorn was done. We had to sit him down and explain that there is a popcorn button on the new microwave (which we had to buy do to the fire) and he had to stand there and wait for it to finish. Also that if you stop hearing pops to take the bag out and clear the time on the microwave.

What makes all these and other things he's done even sadder is that he is a really nice guy. Yet he can barely take care of himself.

Username: Scrabbydoo98

I once knew a guy back in middle school (He was a high schooler who lived nearby) who was the spergiest neckbeard I've ever seen. He would literally ride around on a micro dirt bike wearing a trenchcoat and shades. This was back in the late 90s. Oh, he also cut a hole in the back of the trenchcoat so the handle of his katana would stick out (think Blade).

He would play command and conquer on PC while dressed head to toe in his dad's old Desert Storm gear, and take it super seriously. He'd also have these fun, antisocial games he'd play. One of them was 'Sniper', where he'd take his pellet gun and sit up in his bedroom window and look down his scope at people walking down the street.

One time he told me that he had been contacted by an alien, and that they were going to take him to their planet for a week. This was followed by "They're making a perfect clone of me to stay here while I'm away, so nobody will be suspicious".

So, it was an interesting week, hanging out with his "clone". He did all sorts of fucked up shit he wouldn't normally do, and I found a DIY sex doll in his room made out of full-carhartts stuffed with clothes and a balloon head with sexy lips drawn on them.

It was this week that he also showed me my first porno tape, which he literally beat off to right in front of me (blanket over lap). He was laughing at the cum-shots, and would frequently look over and eye check me. "Isn't that weird? I never knew it was like that - haw haw haw!"

I was pretty freaked out by the whole ordeal, and was just waiting out the rest of the week so this "Clone" could go home, and that I'd have my friend back.

I was walking home from school the following Monday and I heard the signature micro bike behind me. He pulled up and was like "Dude, meet me at my house - you're not gonna believe this" and then sped off. I went home, dropped off my book bag and headed over.

He first asked me how his clone was, and if his parents ever got suspicious. I decided not to go into full detail about all the times this sex crazed 'clone' would grab his crotch and say shit like "damn I'm horny!" in public, over the past week.

He told me he was picked up by a spaceship out in the woods behind his house. His clone beamed down first and told him "Have fun on Animalia". Apparently this ship jumped to light speed and went to a planet 1000 light years away called Animalia. It was populated by humanoid animals who walked upright. After a brief description of this wonderful planet, he broke the news that he 'now has a girlfriend'.

"She's a fox"
*Cool...*
"I mean, no, really - she has a tail and everything"

Anyhow, he clearly had issues - and I might as well share in his stupidity for being a passive enabler for his neckbeard lunacy.

Username: TapoutKing666

A guy in my program, who I’ll call “M.M.”, was so uniquely stupid that he felt like another species. His way of expressing it was by constantly proving wrong the old adage: There are no stupid questions. His questions were always stupid, borderline unanswerable, and usually took 5 minutes to ask.

My favourite instance of this was when we were learning about the concept of logic gates, specifically “AND gates” and “OR gates”. To people unfamiliar the concept, logic gates take in 2 elements “A” and “B” and outputs element “C”. The only qualities of these elements are whether they are “TRUE” or “FALSE”.

An AND gate will output TRUE if elements A and B are TRUE. An OR gate will output TRUE if elements A or B are true.

Anyways, our prof starts giving real world examples, like, say you have a married couple. If partner A or partner B wants a divorce, either could initiate it, so that would be an example of an OR gate. Alternatively, say you wanted to shoot someone. You’d need bullets and you’d need a gun to fire them. That would be an example of an AND gate.

Our prof says all this, to which M.M. asks the surprisingly succinct question, “So, did the gun cause the divorce?”

You'd get a story like this on average once per lecture.

EDIT: A lot of people are pointing out that question could be reasonable given the topic and how it was explained, or maybe he was joking. I get this a lot when telling the tale of M.M. so I'd like to give some additional examples for context. This time only some of them require light programming knowledge.

- His head almost blew up the first time a negative was, offhandedly, multiplied by a negative. His nickname (Minus minus) comes from never-ending question he spewed out because of it, where he just kept saying "So, minus minus?"

- Literally every class we had required a computer. He never brought one. It was always "in the shop".

- At one point, our teacher uses Angry Birds: Star Wars Edition for a physics example. Unprompted, M.M. starts defending midichlorians.

- We're 3 months into a course on Operating Systems, where we did nothing but mess with the terminal in every lab and lecture. It's our first test and M.M. is bugging everyone who'll listen for help (which would've been straight cheating), so the teacher walks over. M.M. asks him earnestly how to install the terminal.

- During a final exam he asked how to spell "molecular". It was a multiple choice test. The teacher, who was wise to him, said to check question 13 b), because it doesn't exist. 15 minutes later, he says he can't find it and asks if he can at least get a ruler.

- Had him, of course, in my group for a final project where we had to make a physics based game. At the start of the semester we were given a survey to rank our preferred position (Programming, Lead, Art, Music, Design). For some reason, my group was comprised entirely of people who had said only wanted to program, except M.M. who "didn't have time" to fill out his preferences.

- Assigned him to art, because I didn't expect anything from him and I knew I could cover it. We asked him to draw a 64x64 pixel block representing a cube-shaped alien. Every week for 5 weeks he came to me, saying he was working on it, until the final week where he said "I didn't have time".

- Finally got it out of him, with the condition he would have his name taken off the project if he didn't contribute. I wish I still had it so I could show you how bad he messed up 64x64 pixels. It came in an email attachment with the message "hears the aliens".

Username: [deleted]

I was living with roommates in college and we needed a last minute subletter for one of our rooms for the summer, like less than 3 days type of last minute. Long story short we found a guy, let's call him Carl, he wasn't ideal but he seemed quiet and clean.

I lived with Carl for 3 months and I have maybe 50+ stories.

Carl lost his car. We lived in a city of around 50000 people and he forgot where he parked it. Carl didn't have his car for over a month. He checked to see if it was towed or repossessed or anything obvious. We assumed it was stolen, Carl moved out at the end of the summer, and my roommate found Carl's car.

He had parked it in a strange neighborhood 5 or 6 blocks away and it had just sat there. We contacted him and he actually bought a plane ticket and fucking flew back up to get his piece of shit $1000 dollar car and drive it back to wherever the fuck Carl is now.

Carl watched The Hunt For Red October every single fucking day. I'm not kidding every day of the entire fucking summer, sometimes twice. I will never be able to watch a single scene of that film.

Carl would routinely get drunk and knock on my window to come let him in the front door. I would then point out that Carl had keys, and we had even hidden an extra key outside the door just for him.

One night Carl had a good idea; since he always forgot about his keys, he would just leave his window open so he could climb in that and not knock on mine. The main obstacle to this idea was that Carl had a window AC unit, so he pushed it out his window, this broke his window AC unit.

We told Carl that comcast technicians make $200k+ a year, as a joke. Carl some-fucking-how had an interview by the end of the day, even though he wasn't planning on being in the city more than the next month at this point. The issue was that Carl had lost his car (see above) so he took one of my roommate's bikes (without asking). But Carl had some foresight; he didn't want to be sweaty at the interview. So Carl put his interview suit in a backpack and biked to a building near where the interview was taking place to change.

Carl locked the bike up outside and went to change, but Carl had forgotten the backpack at home. Disappointed, he came back outside and realized that, because it's not his bike, he doesn't know the code to unlock the bike lock. So, Carl left the bike, skipped the interview, and took a taxi home (I shit you not here). Roommate was very pissed when he found out where his bike was.

Carl thought it would be fun to go sit in on some of the lectures for his old favorite classes. Carl pooped his pants at the lecture.

Carl saw a youtuber eat a sock. Carl ended up in the hospital.

This kid was an engineering grad from a fairly reputable school by the way. He openly admitted to frying his brain with 4 years of extremely heavy MDMA use.

Username: [deleted]

My cousin worked on a tug boat that pulled oil rigs into position. He called me one day from the boat, about 2 weeks into the trip and asked me to turn his hat over. He was afraid it would get a flat spot in it.

After coming back from a 6 week job, he had a good 20 grand paycheck he deposited into his checking account. He didn't understand that the debit card was tied to the checking account and that spending money with it reduced his own accounts. He gave out cartons and cartons of cigarettes to people. He bought out gas stations and gave away all the cigarettes. He then hired a limo service to drive him around 24 hours a day. Where was the limo when he was sleeping? In the front yard of whatever house he was in. He quickly spent all of his money.

When his debit card stopped working, he finally realized that I was right and that it WAS spending his own money. He called the bank and said someone stole his card. They looked at the thousands of dollars of cigarettes and the limo service bills and decided that only a person that stole a debit card would spend money on that kind of shit. They gave it all back.

A few months later, after actually doing decently well for himself, he decided he didn't feel like going to work. He waited a day or two and before asking me to drive him to New Orleans to drop him off so he could get on the boat. Unknowing what he had done, I did just that. It took me about an hour or two to get there. I'm driving home, about 45 minutes after dropping him off and he asks me to come and get him. Whatdya know... the boat left without him and he wasn't important enough for them to come and pick him up like he thought he was.

He was now jobless.

He lived with me and my parents for about a year or so. My parents were originally trying to be helpful because this guy had nothing going for him. He just didn't understand things. At this time, we were all tired of his shit. We put him on a bus to send him back to live with his own parents in Georgia. Unfortunately, his parents had moved and refused to tell him where they lived. They didn't want to put up with him either... but they eventually caved.

Six months later, he called me up on the phone.

> "Hey Noggin, its dumbass. I need you to come and get me."

> "You're in Georgia?"

> "Yeah, I need to go to work."

> "Huh? What?"

> "Yeah, I need to be in New Orleans in the morning to get on a boat."

> "You were fired..."

> "I need money, I'll just get on a boat when it is leaving."

>

Username: Noggin01

I was a volunteer for a Renaissance Faire, and I'd work the ticket booth most of the time.

So, there was a long line for the booth (it was the usual "9am Rush"), and I had stepped out of the booth to start taking pre-paid coupons and vouchers by walking the line in costume and doing a whole little shtick about "if you have a voucher from the Queen or from that mythical Lord Groupon I keep hearing about I can help you.

If you have coin of the realm, need change, or a emotional problem I fear I cannot help you." Every year there would be someone who tries to give me a $20 for one $9 admission, and of course I'm not carrying any change.

One year, somebody walked right past the line and me barking, walked right up to the front gate, was greeted by the "Greeter's Guild" asking for proof of payment and he seemed befuddled about having to "pay" to get in the Faire. He literally thought that the ad he clipped from the local paper (which clearly said "$1 off your $9 admission" on it) was a ticket.

There would also be people who would try to haggle with you on the ticket price. Once I had a guy who brought his whole family down about an hour before closing as we were breaking down the ticket booth for the day and asked if he "could pay half price because the Joust wasn't going to be there and he just wanted to look around a bit."

There was no other story, no 'OMGOMG, we got stuck in traffic in Portland' or somesuch.. he just seemed to think that because he was there with his wife and (teenaged) kids an hour before closing he could get a discount.

Made things worse because.. again.. we had already broken down the ticket booth and we were just in there putting the last little fiddlybits away.

I explained that if you went to a movie theater late and asked for a half-price ticket because "the movie is almost over" they probably wouldn't give it to you, and that even though the Faire only has an hour left there's at least $9 worth of entertainment still going on, and that $9 is really not a lot of money even for an hour(-ish) of Faire.

Still wouldn't pay full price. At one point he walked away frustrated and he left.

It was at that point I noticed that the Greeter's Guild (again, the people that basically act as payment checkers) had started packing up too, and if he just walked into the gate nobody would say anything to him.

I could go on and on about "stupid" at Faires I've worked, but Reddit would run out of disk space...

Username: feedle

When I was in the Australian Army we had this one bloke who was in one breath both infuriatingly thick and hilarious, thanks to this near seven foot tall guys legendary inability to feel pain.

A number of anecdotes come to mind;

Such as the time when we were conducting jungle training in Malaysia where there was the usual military action of ensuring your drinking containers were sanitised with sterilisation tablets and then rinsed out.

This guy was found upon inspection to have mould growing in his Camel-Bak hose, and when he was told by his Section commander “You have five minutes to come back with that hose and I don’t want to see any of that filth”. - within 5 minutes he returned with the hose taped up with electrical tape so he couldn’t see any of the gunk inside.

Another time he wanted to have his head shaved with electric clippers, so one of the Diggers obliged him but kept on having to stop when the blades came to a halt thanks to the thorns that were still stuck in his scalp from an exercise the week before.

Watching him put up his Hootchie (an individual tarp like shelter) was always comical. He would put a stick upright under one end then go to the other and do the same, and in doing so forcing the first stick to fall on the ground. This would go back and forth until someone helped him or he just gave up and wrapped himself up in it like a blanket.

He also once was acting as a range sentry to ensure no vehicles went into the back blast danger zone of the M72 which are essentially rocket launchers. And subsequently had the back blast kick up some debris causing a fist sized hole in the windscreen of a Warrant Officers Landrover as he drove up to the firing point.

His strength and inability to feel pain would have made him a super soldier if it wasn’t for his lack of wherewithal, but could also be dangerous in that he on more than one occasion had so much skin missing from chafe that was only discovered due to a field free from infection inspection by his 2IC.

Or the time he ran out of water but didn’t tell anyone for two days for some unknown reason and was once again only discovered by his 2IC.

But perhaps the most bizarre story from this guy is how he was convinced by some random dude in a public toilet to allow the random dude to perform and act of “mouth intimacy” on him, and be subsequently fought by the police and named and shamed in the local paper for the act.

As frustrating as it was to have him the stories made it worth it.

Username: 65Yowie

Me. I was playing pool with a lady friend when I was about 20. I was in friend zone territory trying to slowly climb way out (which ultimately worked a couple years later, but only for a few weeks).

We were at the point in our friendship where we could point out the ridiculousness in things the other person said or did... well, mostly things I said or did.

I'm stripes, she's solids. We're near the end, and I have 1 solid left while she had 3 stripes. I knocked in the solid and where it ended up, I didn't have a good shot at the 8 ball and making it in. Even though I was ahead, I'm not really all that good.

So I examine the table and remembered the rule (maybe not official rule, but one we played by) where if the cue ball goes in the pocket on your shot, the person taking the ball back to the break line can't shoot at anything on their side of the line (close side) and would have to bank off of the opposite end for it to come back.

All 3 of her balls and the 8 ball were on the close side of the line. I examined my options and realized I could easily knock hers in if I tried to go for the 8 ball.

Also realized she had 2 really decent shots in each corner if I just left the cue anywhere in the more open side of the table. I recalled that cue ball 'rule' and knew I had her, so I quickly shot the Q-ball intentionally into the closest pocket.

I proceeded to brag and boast like I was the smartest guy in the pool hall and that I screwed up her shot. The grin on my face, confidence in my play, and belief that despite 'beating her' she would be impressed by my genius play only served to inflate my ego to epic proportions that I've yet to experience again.

This whole time, she's just staring at me in disbelief. When I finished my song and dance, in the most blank and dry tone ever I hear 'you just lost the game' (ps, you all just lost the game). I look back and her and go 'how'? "You sunk the q-ball", she says. "Well yeah, it was done on purpose to..." I explained to her my amazing plan.

Again, just a deadpan look on her face as she tries to explain to me again "You SUNK THE Q-BALL... You ONLY have the 8 ball left! So you lost."

The look on my face and the wave of embarrassment of my ego balloon popping and covering me in my own stupidity and realization of what I had done was just about the funniest thing she'd ever seen and laughed the whole way home.

Part of my broken soul is still at that pool hall staring at the table 15 years later.

Username: MrZong

Knew a guy when I was in the Army. He was given one job: organize these radios by serial number. He walks back in the office "Got it done." One of the higher ranked NCO's looks at him "Already? Damn that was quick. Were they already in order?" He replies "Yeah pretty much, I mean most the radios were on the list in the order, I only had to throw two away."

Me being the commo guy "Wait, what?" He replies "Yeah, two weren't on the list so I threw them in the dumpster outside." I pause for a few minuets and start laughing. "OH great joke man!" He replies "What I'm not kidding." I jump out of my seat "You are telling me that you threw two *secure* radios in the garbage? As in, committed a felony act, that, by and large can land you in prison.

Two radios that cost over 10 grand a piece? That you are signed for?" He starts to get this angry expression on his face "I cannot go to jail for throwing way something that I don't need!" I just start yelling "GO BACK AND GET THOSE RADIOS, NOW!" (As it should be noted I don't out rank him) He starts trying to fire back off at me, I just shout overtop of him "NO! I SAID NOW!" The original NCO, who gave him the orders, hears the commotion and comes in there. SGT Dipshit lies to the the NCO over my section, (The one that was giving him orders.) "OK, lets look at what you did." We go into the other room, none of the radios are organized, for some reason he broke into three different storage lockers, which we later ensured he didn't steal anything out of.

Found the radios, dumped them onto the floor, didn't organize them, and threw the first two on the list in the trash. The NCO of our commo section looks at him "How does organization work? How do serial codes work?" He looks at him dumb founded and says "Well if the paper says 2AFC, you get any radios out with the letters/numbers 2AFC on them regardless of how they are on them." Me and my NCO look at each other like "wait, what, no," I hand him a piece of paper "Show me what you mean."

He proceeds to write on the paper basically that if something even has a 2 in it, from a serial code, well include that because it has the 2 your looking for. Upon handing the paper back to me he says "Yeah I mean clearly I'm doing this right." So my NCO starts looking through the radios expecting he at least alphabetized them.

Nope. Not in the least. In fact they were less organized than when I put them in storage. Me and the NCO over my section just stand there looking at him, and each other like "what the fuck is going on." Well thats when we realize, this dip shit *really did* throw away two radios that are supposed to, at all times, remain secure.

So the NCO of my section looks at him and just says "So when SPC [Me] was yelling at you to go get those radios why didn't you?" He starts completely chaning the story, that all three of us were there for. As in radical changes. The radios were actually organized, he didn't throw any of them away, I yelled at him insulting him ect. I mean to the point of being delusional. My NCO just lays into him, makes him sprint to the dumpster that he threw them away in, jump in the dumpster, and dig them out.

He had that guy in tears, like having a mental break down. (If that by any chance sounds harsh, both of them could easily have gone to jail for a few years over what happened.) Every day from that point forward, that NCO made someone check everything he did, and if he fucked even the slightest thing up, he was ordered to tell them "I am a complete fuck up, assume everything I say is wrong, or that I am a liar. Don't look at my rank, you out rank me."

He then had to take the rank off of his chest. Well, the guy takes this to the chain of command. Long story short, he had to get his head checked, because about 1/3 of the way through getting the NCO of my section in trouble, our chain of command realized something was seriously wrong with this guy. So he gets his head checked, and turns out? nothings wrong with him.

As far as we could figure he just didn't want to do work, and thought that fucking up really bad would get him out of it, or he was that stupid. None of this was released to us, but basically if you will get kicked out of the US Army if you have mental disabilities.

Well our unit decides to figure out which it is. He had to repeat tasks repeatedly until he got them right. He spent an entire 3 months working 12 hour days attempting to learn how to use serial numbers. Then when he failed another task, 12 hour days again. He wasn't faking it, he was just that fucking stupid.

I don't know how, but that guy is still in the US Army.

Username: [deleted]

I mean, this story is kind of emotional on my part, but he also isn't the sharpest tool in the shed either.

One my former "best friends." Guy gets seduced by, and proceeds to date our mutual best-friends sister. Myself, the brother, and the rest of our group advise strongly against it because we bbasically know how it's going to play out. Plus, its our friends sister. It's wierd and not cool.

Eventually, the sister decides she doesn't like the rest of us and separates him from seeing us, and he just goes along with it. Shortly after that, she cheats on him. Twice. And then they break up. And then he comes back. We welcome him because whadaya-gonna-do?

Years go by, they hate each other. The sister is basically accusing him of rape, but nobody believes it. Not even the brother or her parents. No official proceedings, but the accusations are still there. Well anyway, she goes on to date ANOTHER guy in the friend group, despite our excessive protests, and first guy (the topic of this story) is basically ostracized from the rest of the friend group whenever she's around, and she's around a lot because she's dating a group member. Again.

Anyway, in December it reaches a tipping point, because I invited him and his new Girlfriend to Thanksgiving, knowing that the sister and her current boyfriend would be away. They find out and basically freak out because it's such a slap in the sisters face due to her accusations.

Almost everyone keeps thier mouth shut to be complicit, but I have enough of it and stand up to his right to a defense and innocence, and pointing out the fact that she wasn't even there.

I put my reputation on the line and basically say "I am not defending him, but I am defending his right to a defense. I was not there, nobody else was there. You did not bring this to the police. You did not get a restraining order. Nothing. It's not right to hound us for being friends with guy, especially because we give you the respect of keeping you guys constantly separate. We even give you preference in invitations, so if your coming somewhere, he is not."

Well, now I get thrown into an offensive campaign of ostracization. Everyone stays complicit with her, initially, and I get thrown under the bus and now I'm ostracized. Her campaign fails and the group eventually sides with me and she gets reduced from the dictatorial position that she once held, with my girlfriend kind of taking the spot she previously held.

Moving forward, since this whole thing got so heated, the guy (topic of story) allegedly decides to get a lawyer for just some slight protective measures.

A few weeks go by, it's the end of January, and I haven't spoken to him since a little after NYE. Im moving into a new apartment and call him up to see if he wants to see my place. He doesn't answer the texts. So I call him, doesn't answer. I go to his house, his car is there. Still doesn't answer. I go to message him on Instagram, and I see that he blocked me. Facebook too. THE GUY CUTS ME OUT OF HIS LIFE. AFTER EVERYTHING I DID. And I get confirmation, second hand, from the brother, because he calls him up to find out what's up with that! The BROTHER!

His reasoning is that, allegedly, his lawyer "advised him to separate himself from people in contact with [the sister.]" SO YOU SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM ME, THE GUY WHO DEFENDED YOUR RIGHT TO A DEFENCE AND THREW HIS REPUTATION ON THE LINE, BUT NOT HER LITERAL BROTHER? Bullshit. Bullshit, dude.

I know it's his god damn new girlfriend. He is manipulated so easily. God damn it. I know its her. He got back with the exact same kind of girl that the sister is. A manipulating control freak. I didn't think that she was the kind because, unlike the sister, shes fat, and short, and not the best looking. Never god damned underestimate, I guess.

Username: HAC522

I once worked a job that involved vehicles with advertisements on them. While the advertisement wasn't our main product, it did bring in a fairly hefty income to a company that ran vehicles who, by nature, soak up cash like a sponge soaks water.

We had one vehicle that didn't have the traditional ads on the side underneath the windows, but was rather wrapped in vinyl with an advertisement over every square inch of the outside except the operator's windows. This car was very popular with our General Manager despite its overall shittiness because every day it was recorded as being in service, we got almost as much money as the other vehicles combined brought in.

The downside was that this vehicle was a real piece of shit. It had several major failures and got to the point where most employees refused to operate it. At the time, I was the night shift supervisor and had been asked for ideas on how to improve service.

I was discussing this fact about the operators being hesitant with the GM and how they probably ought to consider leaving it in the shop for a few days and giving the maintenance team as much time as we could in order to fix these issues. Seemed like a decent sacrifice - maybe five days tops for months of good service.

He couldn't understand why I'd suggest it. He just wanted to run it as much as possible until it broke down again because then the ad revenue would surely have brought in enough by then to pay for the maintenance the car needed. I couldn't get him to understand that at the rate we were going, it would take months to get to that point, and when a vehicle fries its own brain because of the Texas heat, you're going to have a bad time. These failures would also delay the other vehicles in service, thus driving our passenger base away.

It all came to an end when I was operating that vehicle on a typically hot August evening and I was getting the warning that the computer was overheating. I was having to move one block at a time, alternating between moving and waiting five to ten minutes for it to cool down enough to try again. After an hour or so, I'd made it halfway back to the garage. I tried moving it one more time, made it about ten feet, and I heard the absolute loudest BANG! I've ever encountered. The computer fucking exploded. I laughed so hard I was crying.

At that point, we couldn't get it back to the garage under its own power. I had to leave it there with another employee to flag traffic around the stalled vehicle, get in my automobile, and drive a few miles to the place where we kept our tow truck.

Then I had to go through the whole process of getting the truck ready, and driving this slow, lumbering beast all the way back to where the vehicle was stalled, and tow it back to the garage, which in itself took the good part of an hour.

After we got everything put away and the tow truck shut down, I went to the office, got on the computer, and sent a status report to the GM that basically said, "This vehicle's brain exploded at xx:xx tonight at [intersection]. It absolutely will not be moving on its own anytime soon.

I have arranged to have the operators stay a little late tonight to help do you a favor by putting this in the back of the shop so it won't block in any of the vehicles that actually work. I sure hope that check from the ad company covers this!"

The GM wasn't happy with me, but I was so jaded at that point that I didn't give a fuck. As far as I know, the GM would only approve band-aid fixes. I don't think the vehicle got the modifications it really needed until after that guy got fired. Now it's an okay vehicle.

The joys of working in public transit are endless, I'll tell ya.

Username: LittleTXBigAZ

I used to hang out with this one guy in college 2-3yrs ago, he was 22 years old and dumb as a fucking stump. I realized later on I didn't actually like him, but I chilled with him more out of pity.

Anyway to sum up this tards lack of brain cells. One day we grabbed some 40s and were driving back to my apartment, but on the way there he pulls into his dorms parking lot and runs inside. I asked him what the hell was that about and the conversation went like this:

*Tard walks to car funny, and sits down weird. It looked like he stuffed his shorts to make his fat ass look bigger than it already did*

Me: "Wtf was that about?"

Tard: "I had to fart, but some shit came out instead"

Me: "what?"

Tard: "I had to fart but some shit came out instead, but I couldn't
make it stop and it kind of all came out."

Me: "You're joking right... Nevermind. You cleaned yourself up right? Did you actually shit a log, or just some residue?"

Tard: "Not yet, I just took some toilet paper and kind of made a diaper to keep my skin clean. And I don't have to shit anymore, I couldn't make it stop."

Me: "You ran to your apartment to shit, but shit your pants instead? And instead of changing your underwear! You made a fucking diaper out of toilet paper? Do I really have to fucking tell you what's wrong with that?"

Tard: "I couldn't stop it; I farted but it all came out!"

Me: "I'm not fucking yelling cuz you couldn't stop yourself from shitting it all out, I'm fucking yelling b/c you were already in your apartment building and you made a fucking diaper out of toilet paper instead of changing your fucking underwear!"

Tard: "I'm going to clean myself up, but I was just going do it at your apartment!"

Me: "You have to pay for the washer and dryer, I'm not going to give you money, and you said you didn't have any money when we bought these 40s"

Tard: "I didn't plan on using your washer and dryer I was just going to wash it in your sink. I know you were running out of dish soap, but I was just going to use hot water, but we have to hurry.
#As long as I wash it off quick with hot water, soap is not needed b/c bacteria won't have the chance to grow"

*I am fucking dumbfounded*

Me: "You actually think you don't need soap if hot water is used?!?!? And you were just going to clean your shit in my sink without asking me first, weren't you? You're not going to rinse your shit undy's in my fucking sink! Go back upstairs, clean yourself off, and change your fucking underwear!! You were already in your fucking apartment building, you should have changed your pants, instead of making a fucking toilet paper diaper!! I can't believe I have to fucking tell you this!!"

*Tard complains saying he's going to tell his mom and makes some whimpering sounds*

Username: PhillyHead124622

I know someone "special" like that. You can have long-winding and painful discussions like: "**just think about it, if you picture a traffic jam as a blackbox you got cars constantly adding up to it in the back and lesser cars make it out in the front - so how can it possibly ever dissolve??**" Any argument against his thought will just be shot down because clearly his model is correct, regardless of reality.

The same dude can literally-literally spend 15 minutes staring at the screen when he gets an error message and have NO IDEA he made a typo. Instead of trying it again or finding the typo, in his own mind he did it right so why the fuck would it not work???

Then he asks for help, you tell him "dude you probably made a typo" and he will outright deny it. Then you make him copy what he wrote and what it actually is supposed to be in a text file and look at the two, once you point out the typo he goes all "ooooh!!".

One time the IDE told him "That file is open somewhere else", he spent half an hour staring at the screen, then asks WTF that error means. I asked him if the file is open somewhere else, an editor or a DOS box. He categorically denied it and was completely sure. So I tried to find out what's going on, ended up closing every single one of the tons of windows he had open. Lo and behold there was a DOS box where he had the file open in vi. "oooooh!".

He constantly makes mistakes at work and doesn't care about doing better, I think he just wants to be absorbed in his "deep" and "interesting" thoughts and his little world and type away at the keyboard - he doesn't care about anything else, you constantly have to kick him, remind him, micromanage him every single step along the way.

Strangely enough when it's about ordering food or getting his dick sucked or pinching a penny, topics he cares greatly about, suddenly that dumb brain of his jumps into action and he can think extremely clearly and act on his own and quicker than any of you.

He cannot accept he is wrong or made a mistake, when he does and you can proof it to him he gets all jiggly and agitated and tries to twist his way out of it. One time he told customers "that's not possible" and blamed(!) the customers for asking him again since he said he had already told them a few days ago.

We then called him out on it and clarified that while "not possible" if true for A and we had talked to customer about A and said it wasn't possible, this time customer was asking about **B** which is perfectly possible and completely different.

He then went ahead and said... "**But based on what he knew, HE was right, he told them the right answer!**". When he very clearly mixed up A and B and gave a wrong answer.

Very much in the manner of a 14 year old, all giggling and "secretive", he tells folks he used to come to work high on weed every day for a long time, I am pretty sure he is at it again. Like a teenager he drives a run-down ricer sportscar and put a HUGE but very cheap and shitty subwoofer in the trunk despite having a quite well-paying job in IT.

Oh and he is over 50 and has a **PhD in IT**.

Username: rawrr69

I was living with roommates in college and we needed a last minute subletter for one of our rooms for the summer, like less than 3 days type of last minute. Long story short we found a guy, let's call him Carl, he wasn't ideal but he seemed quiet and clean.

I lived with Carl for 3 months and I have maybe 50+ stories.

Carl lost his car. We lived in a city of around 50000 people and he forgot where he parked it. Carl didn't have his car for over a month. He checked to see if it was towed or repossessed or anything obvious. We assumed it was stolen, Carl moved out at the end of the summer, and my roommate found Carl's car. He had parked it in a strange neighborhood 5 or 6 blocks away and it had just sat there. We contacted him and he actually bought a plane ticket and fucking flew back up to get his piece of shit $1000 dollar car and drive it back to wherever the fuck Carl is now.

Carl watched The Hunt For Red October every single fucking day. I'm not kidding every day of the entire fucking summer, sometimes twice. I will never be able to watch a single scene of that film.

Carl would routinely get drunk and knock on my window to come let him in the front door. I would then point out that Carl had keys, and we had even hidden an extra key outside the door just for him.

One night Carl had a good idea; since he always forgot about his keys, he would just leave his window open so he could climb in that and not knock on mine. The main obstacle to this idea was that Carl had a window AC unit, so he pushed it out his window, this broke his window AC unit.

We told Carl that comcast technicians make $200k+ a year, as a joke. Carl some-fucking-how had an interview by the end of the day, even though he wasn't planning on being in the city more than the next month at this point. The issue was that Carl had lost his car (see above) so he took one of my roommate's bikes (without asking). But Carl had some foresight; he didn't want to be sweaty at the interview. So Carl put his interview suit in a backpack and biked to a building near where the interview was taking place to change. Carl locked the bike up outside and went to change, but Carl had forgotten the backpack at home. Disappointed, he came back outside and realized that, because it's not his bike, he doesn't know the code to unlock the bike lock. So, Carl left the bike, skipped the interview, and took a taxi home (I shit you not here). Roommate was very pissed when he found out where his bike was.

Carl thought it would be fun to go sit in on some of the lectures for his old favorite classes. Carl pooped his pants at the lecture.

Carl saw a youtuber eat a sock. Carl ended up in the hospital.

This kid was an engineering grad from a fairly reputable school by the way. He openly admitted to frying his brain with 4 years of extremely heavy MDMA use.

Username: [deleted]

I had an ex-colleague of mine (he was the son of the company's CEO) who was a bit special. Not "special" special, but we were never sure if the guy was joking or having some kind of social problem. Not a mean guy though. He was sitting in front of my office, so he would come and chat to me once in a while, especially everyday when I needed to work intensively on something...

One day, he came to me with that kind of troubled face, like he was confused with something that he just learned. He comes into my office, I say "Hey what's up?" and he comes closer, and says, like he made a huge mistake:

"I think I found Osama Bin Laden's twitter account."
He brings his laptop over, and shows me an account with, indeed a picture of Bin Laden, and with the account name @real_bin_laden. The parody account, of course.

We were working in the communication department, so we had to be kinda knowledgeable about what was social media and all that jazz. And in front of me was a guy, who was working on social media projects everyday since he arrived in the company, who genuinely thought that the twitter account @real_bin_laden was, actually, the real Osama Bin Laden tweeting. I kid you not. I couldn't believe it.

At first, I thought he was joking. But no, the guy's insisting! Like "Man, it's incredible that he is tweeting like that! I mean, he could be found so easily that way, but I'm sure he has a way to cover his internet tracks (wat), but he is talking to people and sending tweets, it has to be him ! (watx2)"

I tried to kindly say that it might not be him without calling the guy a moron because, at the end of the day, he was still going in his dad's expensive car talking to him about his day. So, you know, you don't wanna have the CEO hearing that an employee called his son an idiot. And I did not want to be mean, the guy was not mean-spirited.

Every time I tried to say something like "You know, there are a lot of fakes on the Internet, nothing should be considered real until proven.", he would just come back with a backward argument that made no sense.

After five minutes of talking about that, I just say "Well, I'm not really convinced.", but he was not offended at all. He just said "Oh, that's alright, I understand it's hard to believe. I'll try to go back on his account and see the tweets that he made during 9/11."

Instead of mentioning that, you know, the social-media manager of the company was waiting for his project since a day and a half and that she was asking me what was going on (even though I was not working on this for her), I just came with a backward argument that worked.

"Oh, uh, yeah: Twitter was invented in 2004."

He kinda looked at me with deception in his eyes, and said "Oh... Yeah... That's true."

Never heard of Bin Laden after that until he got killed.

Username: [deleted]