The woman I shall forever call "The List" When I got separated from my ex-wife back in July 2007, I took some advice from my best friend at the time: "date as many people as possible, just whore it up... you've been with the same 2 people your entire life."
After a month of ZERO interest from dating sites like match, eHarmony and other shitty dating sites, I took a look at my profile. It was me trying to show my romantic side, trying to post what I thought people wanted to see. Literally ZERO messages... not even from bots.
So my friend took my account and wrote it for me. Under protest, he told me to "try it for 2 weeks and see where it goes," and that he would change it back if nothing else happened. Those 2 weeks were insane.
I got so many messages from women thanking me for being brutally honest, not wasting their time and for being confident in myself to say what I wanted, rather than what I THOUGHT I wanted. I cannot have kids via elective surgery at age 29.
Surprising enough, one of the top comments was "we aren't necessarily a match, but thanks for being up front about it and not keeping that a secret like so many men do" - I guess shitty men hide that fact just to have sex? IDK, but that's lame, if true... don't be *that* guy, guys...
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. One of my many dates, I considered a "bad date" but ultimately one of the most valuable, was the woman I dub "The List." We met over Match, and within a few emails, I take it to phone, so I can hear someone if they hesitate or are obviously lying or change their story.
You can edit an email, it's harder to take back words or if you hesitate on a question, etc. I give her my phone number, she calls me. We agree to go out for a long walk in West Haven, CT on the boardwalk, and afterwards go out to dinner in Milford at Texas Roadhouse, which just opened.
We meet up, hug and go for a nice walk. About 3 miles total... was a great time so far. Chit-chat and small talk, but nothing serious yet. So we drive over to Texas Roadhouse and get seated. The hostess comes by and asks for drinks while we wait, and leaves us with menus.
I go to hand the menu to my date, and I start to say, "this one's yours," meaning the menu is for her... as I kept the other one for myself. I shit you not, she put one finger up to shush me and said, "I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought... oh, now I remember. I'll have a bay breeze, please." - I just sat there, and my eyes got wide. Red flag #1. I brush it off, though, and thought maybe I was the one wrong here.
So drinks come, I don't like to partake in drinking during a date because I want my mind clear and focused. More small talk about the new restaurant, if she ever gets out to my part of the state, etc. The waitress comes by, and we order some basic appetizers and I ask for that nice cinnamon honey whipped butter they have and some bread. The waitress smiles at me and walks off, and the look on my date's face was as if I just shit in her pocketbook.
She takes a deep breath, and says, "Before we go any further, we need to talk about what I won't tolerate in a man." And this is where she takes out a piece of paper, folded about the size of a business card, out of her purse. My eyebrow goes up on the right side of my face, I can feel it.
And then she unfolded it. And unfolded it again. And again. Now she's holding an 8.5x11" sheet of printed computer paper with 3 columns of traits and qualities she won't tolerate in a relationship. She takes a sip, smacks her lips, which is a pet peeve, and begins:
"Things I deserve or won't put up with. A man that won't call me before leaving the house, on the road, when he gets to work and on his lunch, when he is about to leave, when he's on the way home, and when he arrives before he comes into the house."
She looks up over the paper at me, sitting there smiling wryly. "I won't put up with a man that won't do the shopping without being told." "A man that won't show me his phone, or bank statement when I ask." "A man that doesn't want to cuddle every night." "A man that--"
I cut her off by clearing my throat and said, most directly, "I'm sorry, I apologize for cutting you short, but I don't see this going any further. I value my time, your time and our time in a relationship, but I will not be controlled. I've been there already, and I've had my heart broken by someone who took advantage of me and my finances. We should split the drinks and apps, and you can have them when they get here, but this really isn't going to work out."
I took my wallet out to take some cash out, and she just had this look of being completely flabbergasted, put off that I even spoke up and folded up her little list and stuck it back into her pocketbook with her stubby fingers and beady eyes.
She walked by me and said, "Thanks for wasting my time, and the guy is supposed to pay." She barged out, and I pulled an extra $10 out to cover the food.
It was the first time I ever stood up for myself in that manner, normally I'm waaaaay too chill and just roll with it. But I realized, right then and there, that the bad dates are probably more valuable than the "good ones" that you get to make out with someone.
Bad dates help you refine your dating pool, your focus in what you want, and ultimately who you truly want to be happy with. And from that, and a few more bad dates like that I ended up meeting my ex, and we dated for 10 years before we broke up amicably when she moved to Florida.
But I wasn't going to be controlled again. I wasn't going to be put "in my place" or have to give up my life or merge bank accounts, or sacrifice my time and space, and my person to satisfy someone else's expectations.
Compromise? Absolutely. Give up? No. Never lose yourself because of someone else's insecurities. And I've been blessed to really have good dating experiences since. Thanks, OP, for giving me inspiration to go down this memory lane.
Username: kalitarios