My mother, since passed away, was a nightmare. She was a true narc (diagnosed) and had a potential personality disorder (mostly diagnosed but she quit therapy before that fully happened).
She attempted to run everyone's life, but her own. She was the hero and the victim in every story.
I've written about her on Reddit so many times. It's been very cleansing for my mind and heart.
If you didn't fall into her line of thinking, she was a menace.
After my dad died, she needed care. A LOT OF CARE. She didn't drive and had multiple diagnosed medical issues.
She would destroy my sisters because they always caved into her stupidity. She would tell folks to quit their jobs, get new jobs, start/stop school, just crazy invasive shit, get married, leave a spouse, have a baby. No one's dream was big enough or small enough for her. Successful? Then you were a snob, snotty, self absorbed. You get the picture.
I knew she would destroy the lives of my sisters (and their children and husbands) without even trying because they lived by their hearts and not their heads when dealing with her.
I talked extensively to my husband and then made an app't with a therapist. I took pages of notes to my app'ts. The therapist told me that I was the most organized patient she had ever dealt with and understood my concerns. She validated my feelings and my plans to save my sisters.
I took over mom's care about a month after my dad died. I explained things in a black/white fashion and explained that she could make other arrangements at any point. She liked me better at that point because her eyes were on our careers/money.
She had enough money to live and to play. She didn't have a lot in savings however she did get more than enough money each month to live more than comfortably.
I found her a great senior apartment close to us. We lived at least 2.5 hrs away from our closest family. I made sure to host large gatherings for her/family and they only got the best days of her life. She made memories with the grandkids. She still attempted to browbeat them into listening to her but because of the distance, it helped them so much.
She lived for over 7 years. While she was always quick to call me a snob and tell me I never did anything for anyone but myself, I was very comfortable with my decisions. Which I told her many times...
Mom, I understand your concerns, however I'm very comfortable with my decision. And I repeated this over and over no matter how much she attempted to argue. And my other favorite - Mom, you are welcome to do whatever you need to do. I've told you what **I'M** doing.
We made sure to take her on long drives, provide her and several of her friends nice nights out at restaurants, ball games, etc. She wasn't left in an apartment to vegetate.
I feel no guilt at the way I took care of her and holding her accountable for her actions and her words directed at me.
I realized, as a child, that my mother would never be happy. It wasn't part of who she was...and I wasn't going to change her. However I would/could set a line in the sand on her behavior and how she attempted to treat me.
My family was mostly supportive of my mom's care. They tried hard to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. But we are what we are and not everyone could see that I was giving her the best life I could give her.
I love my family and they never need to know I did this for them, not for Mom.
I took one for the family team.
Username: Dreadedredhead