Cops Are Telling Stories About the Dumbest (and Smartest) Criminals They've Ever Dealt With

Best Buy: got robbed by people cutting through the ceiling and dropping down from there lifting electronics out the roof like mission impossible. No one was caught.

Music Retail Chain: would take deposits on upcoming releases then would call you when it’d arrive and hold it for you under your name. The thing is that even when you’d call and talk to the people they may never come in for their item.

So a store manager gets the brilliant idea to come in early to work and use the deposits to buy gift cards for themself. POS(Point Of Sale) systems were so awful at the time that using a gift certificate deposits to buy a single gift certificate didn’t flag the system. District manager is supposed to come in and audit our receipts but he never did hers, assuming because she was a favorite.

One day an assistant manager shows up five minutes early to work. Sees that there’s some sort of transactions on the receipt roll of a register but the store isn’t opened yet. Waits till manager leaves for day and pulls the receipt roll. Catches it.

Music Retail Chain, different location: Full time employee and Union Member working at location for upwards of fifteen years. Very antisocial and bad at customer service so they use him for all truck operations. Opening deliveries setting things up to be stocked buy other employees.

This guy was awful to EVERYONE but... he always volunteers to take out all the stores garbage which is a shit job that anyone could do. I get suspicious and get the opportunity to follow him out by another entrance while he takes out the garbage one time. I see him head to the dumpster and then remove three giant industrial black garbage bags out of the trash.

We’re talking like 2.5 times the largest leaf bags for lawns. I wait till he gets to his car then yell his name, “Yo Candy, bring me those bags!”. He starts stuttering. Snake it’s not what you think. I open the first bag, it’s completely full of the hottest and latest DVDs, CD’s and video games. This dude had been robbing the store blind for years. I suspended him on the spot and tell him loss prevention will contact him.

Typically the thief doesn’t respond to loss preventions attempts to contact and after three days you fire them for job abandonment. Same shitty DM who missed the thief managers deposit scam from above gets a hard on to “get this guy”. Let’s the guy finally schedule a loss prevention interview three weeks later. Candy brings a lawyer..... says I didn’t do anything managers word against mine.

They bring him back and pay him back pay for time suspended.... Candy begins calling loss prevention on the daily to complain I’m a thief. I make sure every customer on earth that walks in he has to personally help which ends up finally driving him to quit.

Best Buy again: customer service counter worker where they do returns waits till any big box item reaches the maximum date of a price adjustment. Then price adjusts the item refunding the difference as cash and leaving it in the register.

They had to memorize which transactions and correlate the sales flyers and the numbers and skus. Loss prevention couldn’t figure out how the worker was getting the cash out of the register though because there were no cameras that captured them ever getting it out of the register. See if you can guess how! I have my own ideas.

Music Retail Chain, a worker: I refused to hire who was related to another manager was hired while I ran a different store location for fourth quarter. Assistant Managers cousin. The cousin would write down credit card info from receipts then buy items by having high school girls come in to “buy” items with him punching the stolen info.

He’s then meet them after shift and sell the items for cash at a Music Retail Chain that would buy and resell the items. This fueled his coke habit. He was caught when an FBI agent noticed they had been charged for a PlayStation 2 at our location after coming in. He was blonde, blue eyed, and she didn’t want to press charges and ruin his life.

So she let him just apologize and the parents paid her back. I can’t tell you how many people he robbed this way. The corporation didn’t want me to find out and open up a can of worms. They just let him quit and no one was reprimanded. If anyone reads this enjoy.

Username: snakewaswolf

This was one from my uncle from early in his career. Mostly its dumb because of the injuries the guy sustained

My uncle and his partner at the time were patrolling the highway. The city that he worked for was a decent enough place, but the city next door was known to have a bit of a problem with drugs. As they were driving, mind you it was late afternoon, they notice a man on a motorcycle driving kinda erratically. They light him up, and he gradually pulls over.

My uncle is not a tall man, but he's a former amateur powerlifter and ex marine. Pretty much a bulldog of a man. His partner, who was a few years senior on the force was taller, but not quite his match in strength. All in all the two of them should have been enough to handle most people.

However, as they pull the motorcyclist over, they note that he is probably in his 40's, standing in the mid 6 foot range, and a comfortable 300 lbs. They get out, and the biker gets off his bike, and lets it clatter to the ground. He starts towards my uncle and his partner. They tell him to stop, he doesn't, and instead charges them, roaring like a fucking minotaur.

It was at this point that they realize a few things. First, that comfortably 300 lbs is a whole lotta muscle. Second, he's probably on some serious drugs(they later decided it was likely pcp, you'll understand later).

This was prior to the days where cops carried tasers, not that it would have done much good. For reasons unknown to me, they didn't draw their service weapons and gun him down. I'd assume its because he wasn't actually armed, but then again 300 lbs of drug induced angry biker gorilla seems reason enough to me but I'm not a cop, so what do I know.

Anyways, they proceed to have an all out brawl with this guy. My uncle swears that they beat the brakes off this dude for 5-6 minutes straight to no avail. Broken ribs, night clubs to the face, knees, arms, and not only was he not going down, but he just seemed more pissed off.

Finally my uncle's partner jumps on this guys back, pins his arms behind him, and my uncle takes the stubby end of his night stick and hooks the guy in the temple with it.

As someone in medicine, I can say with some surety, this should have damn near killed him. There's no way that it didn't fracture his skull regardless of how Neanderthal-esque he was.

Despite that, the brute is still breathing on his own. My uncle and his partner are exhausted, battered, bleeding from a dozen different places. They cuff him, drag his leather chaps clad ass to their cruiser, and toss him in with all the vigor of Ron Jeremy after running a 5k.

They get in, call in to the station and let them know that they are en route, and take off down the highway. I wish I could say the story ends here, but it doesn't.

At this point they have gotten up to speed on the highway, about 65mph here, when they notice this gigantic lurch lookin sombitch is waking up. They know that once they get back to the station, it'll be another huge fight, but at least they'll have a few extra sets of hands to handle it. Well, as Jimmy the not so gentle giant comes to, he decides that he's none to keen on the idea of being placed in a jail cell.

He manages to get out of the cuffs, and if anyone is curious, this is not humanly possible without either A. Officer error(I'm told this was not the case), or B. BREAKING HIS OWN FUCKING HANDS! He then proceeds to bust out the window of the cop car, no easy feat considering those things are supposed to be bulletproof, and launches himself out of the car while it is still going 65 mph.

My uncle slams the breaks, takes one look at his partner and they both resign themselves to the fact that there is no goddamn way they are gonna try and catch this leather clad titan again. They put it out over the radio and returned to their station, battered, bruised, with a busted ass crown vic, defeated by King Kong hopped up on dust.

Username: Fbogre666

After leaving Active Duty in 2009, I spent about 2.5 years working for a private security firm owned by one of my (future) wife's Reserve Deputies. As far as security goes, we did just about everything related to providing physical security - alarm response, on-site security, patrol, personal/bodyguard, undercover loss prevention, event security, etc.

We were trained and certified by the state to be fully armed - cuffs, .40 handgun, tazer, pepper spray, baton, etc. Certain details like personal protection involved additional training and firearms certifications.

Not too long before I left the company to pursue my current career, I started training and working one of the undercover loss prevention gigs. One of our biggest clients was a well-known supermarket chain where some of our biggests busts often involved suspects (who surprisingly often turned out to be employees) shoplifting hundreds of dollars of meat and/or razor blades.

The razor blades seemed odd to me at first as well, but think about it - a pack of razor blades often costs $20+ and you can easily stash them in large numbers in a coat or pants pocket.

Anyway, about my second week of loss prevention, my partner was taking a break and I was wandering the aisles in civilian clothes pretending to shop when I found myself in the toiletries section directly across from the main entrance.

As I was standing there, a early-20s 5'8" 190lb young woman walks in through the entrance, straight down the aisle, stops about 6' from me to pick up a 24-roll of Charmin toilet paper and walks straight back out the door to try and stuff it in the back seat of the car that was waiting for her.

As she was starting to load it up, I pulled my badge out and identified myself as store security. The young man driving the car yelled, stomped on the gas, and took off like a bat out of hell, leaving his female friend behind to deal with the consequences.

As he pulled away, the toilet paper bounced out and she proceeded to pick it up while telling me that she had "paid for it". I called her on the lie and informed her that I had been but a few feet away when she grabbed it and walked out the door and directed her to place her hands behind her back while I pulled out my handcuffs.

Seeing as I am a 5'4" 140lb male, she apparently decided she could take me and ran straight at me. I pivoted out of the way, used her momentum to take her to the ground, and immediately cuffed one arm as we started to fight for control of the other.

When we exited the store, an elderly woman had just parked in one of the two handicapped spaces next to the entrance and by the time we hit the ground, she was extracting herself from her car and started admonishing the both of us, "You TWO - STOP THAT!" I identified myself as store security and finished cuffing my suspect.

As I helped her up off of the ground, a look of shock and disgust came over her face and she whispered, "Oh my God... I... I..." She had (liquid) shit her pants. While stealing toilet paper.

I gently pushed her back into the store and guided her to the employee breakroom where my partner and I identified her and questioned her for our report while waiting for city PD to arrive. This particular town (population \~50,000) has a rather large violent crime and drug problem and active burglaries are often low priority. In-custody shoplifters are pretty much the very last thing on a commissioned officers' to-do list.

As such, she begged and pleaded to be allowed to clean herself up, but seeing as she was female and couldn't leave our line-of-sight, she had the honor of stewing in her own filth for over an hour-and-a-half before an officer arrived.

The real kicker - she had $50 in cash in her pocket. She was living with the family of the young man who left her behind. According to her, the parents had given them $50 to go pick up some toilet paper, but she and her "friend" had decided to steal the toiletries and use the money to go buy meth.

Username: [deleted]

Few years back my partner and I respond to a stolen property job at a women’s shelter. We had been there dozens of times for various different calls. Even though it was a women’s shelter, there were always fights, theft, intox, and all sorts of craziness. Most stolen property jobs get written up as lost property, because unless you see the theft occur or recover the property from the person you are accusing, we really don’t have enough to go on. Usually...

As I said, we responded to this location pretty often and by now the site supervisor knew us by name. When we arrived she met us with the usual pleasantries and then explained the situation. Apparently one resident of the shelter had made the mistake of lending her phone to a fairly well known thief, who had just been arrested the day before for stealing another girl’s phone.

When the poor naive young lady asked for her phone back, the thief played stupid and told her she was mistaken and that it had been previously returned.

Now, real quick side note, the phone she stole the day before was recovered. From her underwear. While she was wearing them. To make it worse, she hid it between her pad and her lady bits. Glad I had no parts of that.

So after meeting our victim and getting the story, supervisor lady and victim tell us that the thief is in the bathroom. Both my partner and I are male. So we radio for a female officer to swing by, and while we wait we yell to the bathroom for everyone to clear out. All the girls comply, except the thief. She yells from inside that she didn’t do shit and she’s not coming out.

If we want her, we need to come in and get her. Supervisor lady looks in, verifies that everyone else has left, and tells us that it’s fine for us to enter the bathroom to deal with the thief. God do I regret going in there....

We turn the corner from the shower area, and just passed the sinks we see her. Standing where all the stalls are. Naked. Butt ass fucking naked. With zero shame. I don’t know why, but more often than not I wind up fighting the naked people I encounter at work. This may sound appealing to a few of you. I assure you it is not.

None of the naked people I’ve had to fight were even remotely attractive. Naked phone thief girl is not an exception to this rule. She stood there, crackhead thin, missing most of her teeth, smelling foul and unwashed. In her zombie like stance, she ignored our pleas to put on clothes. Instead, she proceeded to yell at us about how she “didn’t steal no phone.

Look, I ain’t got no fuckin’ phone. See?!” And then spread her legs and the lips of her womanhood. To our, and our victim’s utter dismay, this bright blue Nokia (I don’t remember which model. But it was a touch screen and it was NOT small) comes sliding halfway out of zombie broads vagina.

Our victim’s eyes went wide as she shouted, “That’s my fucking phone!”
“No it’s not.” Replied zombie broad, as she quickly popped it back inside of herself. We finally convince her to throw on some clothes. She does.

As she’s getting dressed, the supervisor lady leans in and warns my partner and I to be careful. Apparently zombie broad likes to fake seizures when she gets arrested. Keeping the in mind, I let her finish getting dressed, then grab her by the arm. The very second the words “Put your hands behind you back,” left my lips, zombie broad stares into my eyes and shouts “I HAVE SEIZURES!” She throws herself back onto the floor hard.

The most dramatic shaking I have ever seen begins. Zombie broad is flopping around like a fresh caught tuna landing on deck. She’s going for the Oscar. Unfortunately, her performance is pretty terrible. Even after she stops convulsing and pretends to come to with no recollection of where she is.

“Nice try ma’am, but you’re still going to jail.” Suddenly she leaps up and starts fighting. She’s swinging, and jumping and latching onto bathroom stalls like a fucking spider monkey. We finally get her back down to the ground after a few minutes, just as the female officer walks into bathroom. For skinny, frail looking person, she was scrappy.

My partner and I look down, and hanging out of zombie broads panties is the phone. The female officer begrudgingly recovers it for us and returns it to the owner, who isn’t too happy to accept it. And that’s my phone snatch story.

Username: MrGrim89

Not a cop per-say but a Garda story. For those that don’t know a Garda is the Irish version of a cop, they aren’t armed but otherwise I think most of the jurisdictions apply.

Just to note before I get into things, this is a story that was told to me by a friend who’s in the Gards.So it was summer in Ireland and for those that know Ireland the weather can be extremely random at the height of it all, but today was extremely hot compared to the weather previous.

Let me tell you, the hot weather brings out the crazy in people, people think just because it’s hot they get a free card to do what they want.

My friend was on a routine traffic run when he encountered a car driving suspiciously down a less traveled road. Eventually they found out that the car wasn’t taxed and decided to pull it over. So, pulling the car over my friend as his partner got out asking for the general “licence and registration” there were two people in the car, a male who was driving and a lady in the passenger seat.

Once they ran the guys details they figured out that his licence was revoked and he was driving illegally. I think there was some other stuff on file about drink driving and assault so doing the right thing they cuffed him and brought him in.

This is where it gets weird and a little wild. So the lady the man was with was a good bit older and was a little on the heaver side of life, having no problems with the police they said she could go. So putting the dude into the back of the squad car, my friend and his partner got back in the front but before they could take off the old lady was there, blocking their way shouting obscenities at them.

Apparently the lady was his girlfriend and she wasn’t letting her man get arrested. Still in the car they asked the lady if she could move out of the way but she spat at them and continued to curse them out.

With my friend in the driver seat, his partner got out to try and calm her down but before anything could be done she started stripping, she was out of her clothes in a matter of seconds, fully nude. Then, with surprising little effort she tossed herself onto the bonnet of the squad car.

My friend still being in the car was completely shocked, he didn’t know wether to laugh or shout, and apparently the dude in the back of the car was laughing his ass off. The partner then tired to remove her from the car and arrest her but he couldn’t, she wouldn’t budge and frankly he was a bit reluctant to do anything more.

Eventually they had to call for some back because the two of them couldn’t get the lady to get off the car, all the while the “boyfriend” was pissing himself laughing and squirming in the back seat shouting things like “you tell ‘em babe!” and “Don’t let them take me in!”

When back up came they didn’t know what to make of the situation and looking back on it my friend can see the funny side of it. Imaging pulling up to the side of a road to see a hefty naked old lady climbing on top of a police car while a dude in the back laughed hysterically, while a police officer tried to get her down.

Between the two sets of police they managed to restrain the old lady and held her with a blanket on the side of the road. The last sight my friend had was the other policeman putting her in the back seat of their car, fighting and resisting while he drove away with the dude.

That night they all laughed about it over a drink, and he found out that she got done for obstruction of justice and resisting arrest.

Crazy story in total but like I said, in Ireland when the sun comes out so do the crazy.

Username: Azuris-Bane

I’m not a cop, but I have a story of a cunning heist that was well planned but foiled by a poor exit strategy.

At the time I was working for a big box retailer as a department manager and the criminals broke into our store. Break ins were not unusual, so stores were equipped with PIR sensors, door sensors, smash sensors and disorientation alarms throughout. I tell this story in exacting detail as it was all captured on CCTV.

The heist in question seemed well planned to work around many of the security measures. Three criminals removed bolts on a roof panel, lifting off the roof, peeling back the insulation and shimmying down some internal pipe work.

It was a warehouse style store so all the PIR sensors were mounted on cable trays about 10 feet off the ground hinging from the ceiling. The criminals used the cable trays to move around above the shop floor without tripping the sensors and then, when they were ready, dropped down directly over the high value glass cabinets, targeting smart phones and iPods.

They had glass smash hammers and simply smashed all the glass, shovelling the goods off the shelf into large plastic bags. Naturally though by this time they had set off the PIR sensors and the internal alarm was sounding. They decided to make a run for it, but instead of heading for the nearby fire exit they headed to the back of the store.

At the back of there were two fire exits, a locked door that led to the loading dock, an unlocked staff room door (which had a fire exit sign) and a glass window that looked into the staff room. They tried the locked door, glanced at the unlocked staff room door, but instead smashed the glass window, climbing through to get into the staff room.

In this process they had torn some of their bags and stock was spilling out of them onto the floor. They desperately tried to hold the bags together and make their escape. In the staff room they looked for an exit, but even standing at an emergency exit with alarms already blaring did not use the exit door. This part of the store had a floating ceiling, so for whatever reason they pushed in several floating ceiling tiles and climbed into the ceiling with their bags.

A few minutes pass on the CCTV then on the footage of the adjacent dock area you see one of the criminals kicking through a plasterboard wall about 12 feet off the ground. They make a hole large enough to climb through, and clearly desperate to make an escape, abandon their bags of stolen goods in the ceiling space, jumping cautiously down into the loading dock.

By this time the security company has arrived at the premises, but are only around the front of the store. It’s unclear if the criminals had a lookout, but more desperate to escape than ever they now use the fifth fire escape they come to, throwing the door open and running down the alley behind the building into darkness.

It’s still unclear to me, to this day, why these criminals didn’t opt to use any of the conveniently available fire exits along their path. They had clearly scoped out the building beforehand and all the exits were well covered from sight from nearby roads, etc.

When the Police came to investigate though, they discovered the stupidest mistake of all. In the ceiling space above the staff room they found a used phone with SIM card amongst the new ones that had spilled out of the bags.

A few days later they called in on the owner of the phone. He was arrested after they found he still had plasterboard on one set of boots and had a pry bar and glass hammer in the boot of this car. He later admitted to the crime, incriminated the other to individuals and plead for a reduced sentence.

To this day, I’m unsure why this masterful entry plan was not paired with an equally masterful exit plan, but the CCTV footage of three confused men trying to escape directly next to a fire exit was always a good laugh.

Username: twistedude

Obligatory not officer but. I'm a historian, and going through records about an investigation my professor did I began to read about a guy named Juan de la Cueva. He was a spaniard merchant from the late 1500's. He moved to Peru and started doing a whole bunch of shady business.

The thing is, if you probably know what people used to say about the early modern ages, specially the Spanish Empire, you probably think that fierce, aggressive and barely legal capitalistic schemes were not a thing yet. Well, that's not really the case.

This guy Juan De la Cueva literally oppened a bank so big and important it had offices all over the Spanish Empire from Chile, to Panama, Mexico, The Andes, and Seville. We went through the records with this professor and the things he did immediately made me think of the Wolf of Wall Street but in the early 1600's. He had colluded himself with a guy that stole silver from the King's silver mines of Potosi in Bolivia and ilegally traded with China and India.

He started selling chinese silk in Mexico and Panama despite supposedly navigation to Asia by private companies was illegal and only allowed for the King's fleets. He also transported illegal goods from Spain's enemy nations into the Spanish Americas. Any shady business we could imagine he did.

Even causing a massive inflation due to counterfeiting silver currency which was basically copper or lead coated with silver. His empire was so big that every single merchant in the Entirety of the Spanish Empire was in a way or the other connected to his company, from Philippines to the Netherlands.

Eventually, a series of risky business ventures that ended badly eventually caught up with the guy. In 1635 he had to file for bankruptcy after a failed business with a ship that sunk with a lot of his money.

The thing is, people caught wind of this even before he had filed for bankruptcy, and many of his partners and people that had deposited money in his bank started trying to withdraw money from their accounts. Eventually people were forming outside his offices, and his hq in Lima, Peru. Even riots started because the bank would not open and people could not withdraw their money.

So much people had money deposited with him that it was simply impossible to give them their money, since most he had invested in other ventures expecting for returns. The Viceroy had no idea what to do, nothing of this sort had ever happened before, and people were furious. They wanted his head, but the guy was well connected.

The Viceroy even asked if he could get his rich friends to bail him out. Many of them had already loaned him money for other ventures. Taking the oportunity, many of them inflated the loans Juan de la Cueva had taken, and ended up suing him for up to double what they actually gave him.

The guy was a smart and fierce businessman, one on par with the risky business experts of today's Wall Street, but eventually fate caught up with him. And unlike today, back then the government wouldn't bail out a corporation.

Juan de la Cueva was finally put on trial, at first for having irregularities in his business, then for all the money he owed, as the investigation continued more and more shady business and ilegal stuff were uncovered. Many of his business partners were tried too after he snitched on them in order to get a reduced sentece.

Some even got hanged for it. In the end due to his cooperation he was not executed, and was placed in prision for life. The economic crisis that ensued was devastating for many. Even government institutions had their money on his bank.

Edit: one detail I forgot to mention but it's fascinating nonetheless is that the debt he had when he filed for bankruptcy was so freaking high, his children and his children's children and so on were still in debt. It went on for centuries.

It actually was not totally paid until the 1860's. It took him and his descendants almost three centuries to pay it off since some of his first investors had given him money as early as the 1560's.

Username: Peepeepoopooman1202

Campus Peace Officer. This was one that we coordinated with local PD on. Basically, a student at our school looked over the shoulder of a woman using her debit card. She accidentally left the card, he apparently noted the pin, picked up the card and went on a shopping spree.

Sounds weird, right? We'll come back to that. So, his first mistake was that he stole the card. Felony 1: Larceny. Second mistake was he did it in the convenience store of a gas station. Cameras everywhere, including one showing him getting into his car. By some miracle, he avoided a camera catching his plate.

Local PD followed the transactions. He went to a car wash next which, surprisingly, had really good cameras in place. So now the police know who he is. They follow him through each store, the guy just consistently enters the pin and uses this card as a debit card.

Second felony, identity theft. He then took the card back to campus and spent it at the dining hall, the bookstore etc. Periodically used on campus ATMs to check the balance to see how much fun money he had.

So local PD comes to us, first of all, for footage from his on campus antics. But they'd also like us to pick him up and interview him. Thought process being that he might just be stupid enough to talk to campus police thinking we're not real cops and he would face, at max, an administrative punishment.

So we pick him up, mirandize him and record the interview on bodycam. We show him the video of the transactions on campus.

He confirms that it is him in the video, that he knew it wasn't his card, and tells us, straight up, that he regularly watches people entering pin numbers on the off chance they leave the card so he can go on a shopping spree.

After two hours of confessing to everything, he begins demanding an attorney with such a smug tone that it baffles the mind.

The original plan was to get the interview, forward to local PD, they would take to DA to determine if charges would be filed. But because he just admitted to a series of crimes, on camera, after first waiving his right to an attorney, we felt pretty good about arresting him right then and there.

So we did. And he was pissed. Even more pissed when we took him to the local PD to book him. He had assumed that we would take him to campus jail or make him stay in his dorm or something and he might get suspended.

We had enough to take back to the judicial administrator on campus, who eventually expelled the numb nuts, and since it was local PDs case, they took it to the DA who absolutely filed charges. He ended up getting three years.

His defense, from what I understand, was that he thought it was his card and made a mistake. This, of course, contradicting his interview and the fact that he used the woman's pin.

His shitty lawyer, apparently feeling desperate, told the jury he DIDN'T use the pin and ran the card as credit, thus an easy mistake to make.

Again, contradicting his interview and the bank records and the surveillance footage. So not only did he get convicted, but his lawyer ended up getting slapped with contempt.

Username: HomeImprovementRecap

I had a very close relative that was in law enforcement for well over 30 years. He once told me about this cat burglar that was never caught, until one car chase that ended his career.

So this man was well known in his neighbourhood for being the guy who walked 2-3 times per day everywhere in his small town. Look out the window and you'd likely see him on a stroll. He'd leave for a few days every now and then and return to his walking schedule.

Or he'd leave and rush to get to his next walk. Yet no one ever put two and two together to figure out that when he was away, some place got burgled. Some of his burglaries were very high profile and on national news.

Forward a few years and he's under suspicion due to some neighbouring business' new security camera. (Back then security cameras weren't popular, and weren't the best quality.

Even fewer came with backup systems to keep footage.) The authorities questioned him and figured out he might be their guy. My relative was assigned to check all this out and see if they could catch him.

But he was never found nearby the burglaries, and was always at home by the time they checked his house. He was from such a small town that if they parked a car on the street to watch the guy's house, everyone would know who it was.

There was no way they could watch the guy's house 24/7. So they rented a room in a house nearby but couldn't get anything closer for a better view. The guy could sneak out one side of his house form a few windows.

urns out this is what the cat burglar did because he knew damn well they were after him. So he started leaving notes basically telling the authorities how stupid they were, etc.

My relative said one of the notes was basically a pin up poster (a la the 50s pin-ups) with a note saying something like at least they could enjoy looking at the pin-up since they couldn't get their eyes on anything else, LOL.

So like two decades later they finally catch him leaving a place, with new cameras and increased staff to help get him. They start chasing him and the cat burglar almost got away except he crashed the car into a power pole.

He was ejected from the car (wasn't wearing a seat belt) and he broke through the windshield hitting the pole straight on. He wound up unable to walk for about a decade afterward. He couldn't remember anything, had no short term memory, and no hand-eye coordination.

As well, he lost sight in one eye, lost use of his fingers on one hand, and never again stood up straight. He was released after a few years of prison on good behaviour, on that one burglary. Over the course of two decades they figured out that he burgled a place every few months, about 2-3 a year.

Often he would take just one or two things and none of the stolen property was ever recovered. So ten years after the accident he started walking the neighbourhoods again but this time had a young woman with him.

My relative said they watched the two for a few years and suspected he'd been teaching this woman but never pinned anything on her. Crazy.

Username: withadoubleu

Not a cop but here's a dumbass criminal story that I'm probably late for but whatever...In my later teens I worked in the back of a furniture store in their warehouse. My mom worked the front of the store as a sales person.

Within a few 100 feet walking distance of our building is a bank. So one afternoon, I'm not working and all of a sudden the area is swarmed in cops the store we worked in had tons of cops searching for a bank robber.

The guy apparently showed up at 5:01PM pulled on the door wearing gloves and a ski mask but the bank closed at 5:00pm so dude books it and runs to his car which was allegedly in our parking lot.

My mom comes home from work and tells me this story. Bummed I missed all the action, but hey at least no one was hurt or anything like that.

Jump to the next day, I'm at work, my mom is not. I am out back in the warehouse loading bay with a couple of my colleagues. I'm a pretty observant person so when I noticed a strange fellow walking through our back lot he caught my eye, but what caught my eye even further was that about 30 feet from our dock he dropped a bag white bag with black contents in it.

I figure it was garbage, lot of scumbags dump behind out building I'll just clean it up later, don't want no drama with some stranger walking in the back of our building. As the guy approaches I notice he's wearing a black jacket and a fanny pack and he's trying to handle something of a whitish green hue and shove it into the fanny pack.

He's approaching closer to cut through a small trail that leads to some other large business including a supermarket. As he gets closer its beginning to dawn on me that greenish/white material he's handling is a huge amount of cash... OMFG he robbed the bank!

So at this point the guy is almost halfway through the path to his escape when he stops and takes off his black jacket. Now it's August in NY it's hot. Wearing a jacket this time of year is an odd ball situation which even furthered my suspicions.

At this point I alert my co-workers and one of them hollers at the dude at which point he runs. I run up to the office phone and dial 911 and report that I believe a bank robber just came through.

At this point 2 of my colleagues (one a former US Marine 6'5" brick shit house) give chase and try and keep an eye on him to guide the cops to him.

911 dispatcher said police were in the area as they had an alarm go off and were being proactive as they thought he would return. Within 3 minutes of my call the cops are in our back lot. Unmarked and marked police cars, and uniformed and plain clothes officers jumped out with shotguns and bullet proof vests on it was like something out of a movie.

As the police roll up, a guy in a truck pulls up. He was a witness to the robbery and actually held the door open for the guy as he was essentially exiting. He noticed the guy was wearing a jacket, hat and such in August and felt it was a but curious, but once he saw the cops swarming he knew what was up and wanted to be able to give a statement if needed too.

They go in the direction we saw the robber go through and end up catching the guy within maybe 100-150 yards of our building with my friends surrounding him under a semi truck trailer. Cops rushed in and tackled the dude and arrested him.

7 minutes from the time the alarm went off to the time they had him in cuffs. We were commended by the police department for our quick thinking and going above and beyond the call of civilian duty. Featured on the news, and newspapers, it was a wild experience, one I'll never forget, or forget how stupid a person could be.

Username: Uphor1k

Not an officer, but I was in the passenger seat when we got pulled over. Not going to condone a single thing we did, cause we were idiots back then, but here goes. It was about 2 AM and four of us left a party for a bit to get cigarettes for everyone and come back.

On the way back, my friend driving makes an illegal u-turn and we get pulled over.

We're 19 and my friend driving is the kind of person to talk slow and kind of slur his words, even while sober. He was not sober.

Two officers approach us, one on his side, and one on mine.

The officer immediately notices my friends bowl in the side compartment and makes me give it to him. Meanwhile, the driver is slurring his words and gets asked to step out of the vehicle.

Officer besides me asks why he smells alcohol on my breath. I respond with "Cause I was kissing somebody who had been drinking." Yep.

So three more squad cars pull up and officers pull all four of us out of the car and start questioning us, while two of the officers are searching the car. They find the driver's fake ID. The officer questioning me walks away and talks to his fellow cops.

Im close enough to my other friend (and the chick who he was trying to impress) that I can hear their conversations with the officers.

That friend was completely rolling dick on Molly and was stuttering and looked completely like a crackhead, while the chick (who, unbeknownst to us, was 17 years old) was thanking the officers for pulling the four of us over.

This girl was clearly hammered and started telling the cops how she was going to join the Navy in a few months crying, "Oh mY gOdd, thhhANK you for pulling usss Overr. I'm joining the nAvy in a few months.... Annd jussst ThAnk yoU.

Officer tells me we're going to jail. They leave us standing in front of the first patrol car and all group up to discuss something. Im convinced that I'm screwed. Officers who originally stopped us walk up to us and tell us we're free to go, as long as we never come back here again, or they'll arrest us.

The greatest wave of relief comes over me. Then my friend on molly puts his hands together like he's praying and opens his mouth.

"No, please arrest us officer!" The cop didn't appreciate that, and I swear to God, I thought he was going to punch him in the face. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY!?"

I stepped in front of my friend and explained that my friend meant it would be right of them to arrest us if we were to return. The officer told us we could go, and after that night, I never sold drugs again.

Username: nukawolf

Im not a Police Officer i am a Student Paramedic and a manager at EB Games in Australia and I happened to interact with the dumbest criminal ive ever encountered, so much so, even the Police laughed at the perps sheer stupidity.

A Police Officer walked into my store one mid afternoon asking for information about a credit card thief who was traced to my store and using stolen credit cards over a period of a recent few weeks.

The Officer had little information to go by except a purchase total and a rough estimated time of when this criminal had come in.

With the small amount of info to use I managed to sift through 3 months worth of journal history and managed to pull 4 seperate purchases that equalled to or just exceeded the criminals purchase amount (roughly $90 at a time using Pay Wave, a way of paying for goods without the need of a pin password, perfect for card thieves).

The 4 EB accounts all had EB membership cards attached to them with name and contact numbers but the liklihood of this individual using their real name would be sheer stupididity.

"Oh wait"....the cop shockingly reacted... "What was that last name you mentioned" the Police Officer asked. "It was (insert name)" i replied and with that the officer recognized the name instantly and began to brief me on that individuals rich credit card fraud/theft history.

Fighting off laughter, the Police Officer tried so valiantly to compose himself after hearing of the credit card thief using their real name when signing up to the EB card and then purchasing things.

The Police Officer and I laughed when we discussed the criminals incriminating oversite.

Now to clarify, the criminal had never signed up to an EB World loyalty card before (which is what we ask of all our customers for at the beginning of all sale transaction for receipt free returns and loyalty points + other bonuses).

The criminal signed up using their real name and continued on their way without a remote thought of the possibilty of anything being traced back to the EB cards owner.

This stupid decision incriminated the Thief and would serve as a evidence of purchase history that would be used in the court of law.

What credit card thief purchases items and uses their real name when signing up to a loyalty card..... the Officer and I had a good chuckle at the stupididity of this individual.

Username: doggyboy2

Criminal here, I once got away from the police in a chase Me, 16, brand new drivers licence, '94 Toyota Camry & a car full of dumb guys wanting to carhop. (Car hopping is where you go to parked cars & see if they're unlocked, if they are you steal from them).

When you get a license you have a curfew & a limit of how many minors your allowed in your car, since I was breaking both those rules & carhopping; I was extremely on edge that night.

We were driving around this neighbourhood that looked fairly rich, listening to music, making jokes, trying to find some decent cars to check.

While rounding this corner a cop meets us at a 3-way intersection. We are panicking but I'm playing it cool, we stop, he shines his car light beam into my car as he slowly drives by & we give him a casual wave.

I slowly turn the corner & start desperately looking for an exit. As I'm going down this road trying to find an exit, the same damn cop comes around the corner and drives past us.

I keep driving with my eyes on the rear view and it happens, the cop pulls into a driveway & turns his lights on to come chase me down.

I floor it. I'm zooming through this neighbourhood with a car full of yelling teenage boys. By the time I find an exit, I'm doing 75mph through this neighbourhood & zoom across the street into another neighbourhood.

I knew the neighbourhood we entered because of friends living there, so I navigated through the entire neighbourhood well going roughly 50mph.

We exit through the other side of the neighbourhood & now I play it cool. I drive to my neighbourhood & right as I turn into my street I see 3 cop cars go zooming past behind me.

I quickly park at my house at the street, run inside, & sneak into my mom's room (who's sleeping). I steal her car keys, open the garage, back her SUV out, put my car inside and shut the door. All of this happens while across the street, my neighbour who is a sheriff, is home.

Everyone piles into my room & then it's complete silence. Everyone is glancing at each other & the adrenaline still has everyone panicked. Then my buddy Andrew goes, "damn son, we gonna rob a bank next? We already got the getaway driver".

We all let out a nervous laugh & everyone started congratulating me on the driving. That's when we heard the helicopter. Everyone starts flipping out again, I calm them down and tell them I'll check it out.

It turns out all the cops went to this poorer neighbourhood & apartment complex near by to look for us.

They gave up after an hour or so and the next day at school we all had a story to tell. I tried outrunning the cops again a few years later to avoid a speeding ticket. Tried disappearing into a neighbourhood that I didn't know and wound up at a culdesac with no way out.

As I exited the neighbourhood I got caught & surprisingly only given a $75 ticket (I played dumb and said I didn't see the cop flip a U-turn to pull me over & I went into the neighbourhood to drop off a friend after soccer practice).

Username: [deleted]

Not a police officer but a deceased friend was a genius criminal. In the 80s he used to steal high value sports cars but would specifically target Porshe 911s.

There was a chop shop that he went into agreement with to deliver them the cars and they would pay x amount per model. 911s brought him the highest dollar, especially if they had the keys with it.

He went out and bought and old tow truck and made up some fake logo and company name that he painted on the sides of the truck to make it look like a legitimate fleet rig. He managed to get a copy of an invoice for a warranty repair job on a Porshe 911 from a Porshe dealership.

He meticulously removed any identifying information about the vehicle or owner and made dozens of copies of just the template with the dealership letterhead, logo, etc.

He would find a car that he wanted to steal and wait for it to be driven somewhere the owner would be away for a half hour or so. He'd dress in coveralls and look and try to fit the job as best as possible.

Just drive right up to the car, load it on the tow truck and take off. 90% of the time nobody said anything or looked at him twice, probably just figured it was a repo.

This was before internet or smartphones so most people didn't know the company painted on the sides of the truck didn't exist.

Where he got smart was with the invoices though. When he did get hassled, he was prepared. See, he would scout the car ahead of time and get the VIN and any other information he could possibly get.

He'd have all the information printed on the dealership invoice so it looked like the car was supposed to have some minor warranty repairs done.

He'd show who ever was asking and say he had a call to come pick it up. Nobody ever pressed him on the issue. So he got a bit more ballsy after a few successful lifts.

He knew he could get more money if he had the keys but no way to get the keys without the owner knowing. Solution: valet. He started pulling up to Valet stations, say he was there to pick up the car, show the invoice and ask to go the car.

If there was any push back, he would get really aggressive and demand they call the owner and explain to them why their car isn't being fixed like they requested. Majority of the time, the valet staff didn't want to deal with any hassles so they would just turn over the keys.

Again, he'd pull up to the car and load it on the truck and be on his way but now he had the keys and was making significantly more money on every car.

He did this for several years until the chop shop was finally busted. He managed to not go down with the rest of the chop shop, moved out of town and died a few years back before he was ever caught.

Username: [deleted]

A young drug dealer had the sum of his money (3500) snagged in a large drug bust in St Cloud MN in 92. There we're six dealers involved, driving four vehicles. The seventh was an undercover police officer in a white baretta. It was the height of the drug war. Weed was the devil.

On the way to the bust one of the cars broke down. The young dealer was asked to help get the broken one off the road. The others went ahead to the deal. The others would not be returning and were given four years.

The young dealer had planned to move away from that shit town to go to college in Arizona. Now he had nothing and was trapped. The next day it was all over the local news. Police were looking for the remaining dealers at large.

The young dealer had to get out.so he borrowed a thousand dollars and drove to a grateful dead show at Soldier Field where he purchased ten sheets of lsd for that thousand capable of turning into seven thousand in about two days.

If he was caught it was life in prison for that much product. He returned to ST Cloud and was only able to sell half. The remaining five hundred hits would still get life That is when the aha moment happened.

One of his childhood friends had been turned into an informant. Knowing the police would sacrifice a smaller quantity if they thought a larger bigger bust would happen after, he was confident they would do a deal.

He called his former friend and offered the five hundred hits at full price if he would agree to much much larger quantity.

Of 100sheets on friday, which was just 3 days away. He gave a meeting location with only one main way in and great visibility so he could have to e to flush the drugs and waited.

The informant met him and gave him the 3500 dollars. He gave the informant the drugs and told him he will call him Thurs night with the location of the deal for the ten thousand doses.

The informant asked him what else he was doing that day . The dealer told him..nintendo. and smoking weed, and turned and calmly walked in the front door to the apt building like he was going inside.

He bolted out the back door, ran through the woods to a friend's car and took alley ways til he hit city limits where his middle finger went out the ttops.fuckkkkk you....

Three days later he was in Arizona signing up for school. He never dealt drugs again. The police stole his money and he stole it back.

That dealer was me. I finished school and went on to lead my field. Statute of limitations has long since passed.

But lesson was simple. When a group of people think they are smart, do the thing they would never imagined. Play on their expectations and win.

Username: switchatx

Not a cop, but work at a bar so I see tons of stupid shit, here's one of the stories that I have that involve the police and a seriously stupid criminal.

One night I'm closing down the bar and I'm leaving. It's around 4 am. Theres an apartment right behind the bar that a suspected (cant 100% confirm) met head and dealer used to live in.

I drive a 2001 Lincoln town car on 20 inch helo wheels and it looks like something straight out of a gangster rap video.

The ironic thing is that I dont do any drugs, not even smoke weed anymore, am 30 and bearded, so the car doesn't fit me at all.

But I digress; i leave out the back and notice someone in my car. I never kept anything of value in the car so before this I never locked it.

I stand there dumbfounded for a second just watching this guy rummage through my car and eventually call the police and explain the situation.

Moments pass and I assume the guy gave up on finding any drugs in this stereotypical car and he steps out. I dont want him to leave before the police arrive so as he is stepping out of the car I call out to him.

"Hey man, those are some nice wheels!" He looks up at me like a deer in the headlights and mumbles nonsense for a minute. I'm honestly pissed but I'm trying my hardest to seem genuinely friendly and interested. I ask him how much the car costs, where did he get the wheels etc while hes coming up with bullshit excuses.

Eventually I ask him, "do you have a system in it? Start it up, let's hear it" he looks around obviously looking for a way out at this point while I have him trapped between me, and the open door of the car.

I notice a cheap ratchet set that I had in the passenger seat in the inside of his jacket and figured I had enough at this point. I shut the car door and say "hey, let me try something" and reach over and put my car key in the door and lock then unlock the door again

His face goes white and he tries to book it. About the same time the cop car comes around the cor or and I manage to get ahold of the guy and get him to the ground.

Before I hung up on the dispatcher telling her I was going to try and stall the guy because he might be leaving I gave a full description so the policeman and woman knew exactly what was going on and who to detain.

The idiot got caught with my ratchet set and an amount of meth that I dont know how much, but got charged with a couple of felonies.

Moral of the story. Dont try and break into people's car at a bar. Even at 4am. People may have to stop drinking and leave at 3, but someone has to close the bar. You may find yourself face to face with that person.

Username: gbcoope

Not a cop, but work for a large grocery store and we get shop lifters all the time with a peppering of other criminal activity. Additionally this was kinda a double case of dumb.

One day around 6am, a group of three people load up a shopping cart with groceries, and not very casually avoid the check stands by going around and along the front wall aisle towards the entrance to leave the store.

The cashiers had been watching this happen and yelled at an employee standing next to these three to stop them from going out the door with the groceries.

The three people freeze like deer in headlights and go wide eyed that we had seen through their plan, and here's were dumb part one happen.

Because only employees trained in loss prevention are allowed to stop and detain a shop lifter our employee yells back, "we're not allowed to stop them, I'm not going to get fired".

The three who had started to leave the groceries and run out the door stop, look at each other as our guy just goes walking passed them and leaves then alone. They then grab the cart of groceries and leave the store with their prize.

Fast forward to the next day, same time. These three people show up again, and again start loading up a grocery cart with products, this time even more heavily. They once again go walking down the front aisle, this time with giant smiles on their faces as they watch the cashiers.

This time, one of our employees who is trained in loss prevention is walking by and the cashiers yell at him to stop them and he goes full sprint at them. They panic and run out the door, leaving the cart.

In their haste to leave they left behind one of their coats that had their wallet and car keys in it. Our staff quickly recovered the keys and wallet and called the cops as the three were in the parking lot trying to figure out how to get into their car.

A couple minutes later one of them comes back in the store, finds a cashier and tells them they were shopping here earlier and they think they left their coat behind, as if we didn't know who they were.

We go and get their coat and gave it back, devoid of their wallet/keys.

The person quickly runs back outside to the car and starts checking his pockets, finding no keys. We see them continue to argue outside for a couple of minutes before the police start showing up to arrest them.

Username: TengamPDX

Already posted one here about my brother and old roommate, but I'll post the other one I heard too cause it explains how they managed to get me a dreamcast, a gameboy, and ps2 one year lol.

So during the time the first pokemon movie came out, where Burger King had those gold plated poke cards and the figures of the original gen.

My brothers friend offered him a part time job to get a little more pocket change. So he took it up saying he could use the cash and knew I wanted the poke merch and hed be able to get me the whole if he was working do said why not.

Well one night a few months into the job his friend was closing, he went to our apartment after his shift one night. I was in the living room playing ps1 with him and roommate, he asked to talked to my brother privately.

Suddenly he said he had to run an errand and would return shortly, left me with his roommate and friend who played games with me.

About a hour later we heard a "CLUNK-CLUNK CLUNK-CLUNK." They both ran outside and helped my brother pull in a dolley with a safe on it.

They set it on the table. I asked about it but he said it was for his comic book collection in case of a fire or burglary and not to worry about it, so as a child I didnt think much on it obviously.

A few years back when I asked him how he got money affording an apartment for us since I lived with him as a kid, and how he got me all the game stuff and took me on fun trips on a tight budget.

Apparently the budget wasnt tight as he told me about the rental store scheme ( in another post on here,) and the story bout this safe.

Apparently his friend from bk came over that night to tell him he "forgot" to lock up that night, and that if they wanted a quick buck thatd be their chance. So he donned a mask, gloves, covered his body. So was identified on cameras.

He went to open the safe to take its contents, but realized if he was seen using the combo on camera theyd know it must have been an employee, so, he looked around, found a dolley for unloading the shipments in the back and slid the safe on it.

Since we lived around the block from the bk hed only have to wheel half a block in the middle of the night.

They opened it that when I went to bed and his cut 10g..... that's how my older brother made sure he was able to spoil me that xmas as a kid..... it's weird now cause we both older, married, have kids our own, and I just learning these things from him and his friends now I'm old enough.

But as a kid he took real good care of me, and taught me better.

Username: Spider-Mike23

Not a cop, met a few during this story, nice blokes. I worked as a Senior RA at a college dorm, we had about 160 residents, and for the last semester and a half, weed was just prolific.

It was everywhere, enough of it the all boys floor (32 rooms) was dutch oven-ed more than once. No real harm being done, but its still illegal here (Aus).

One day at 7am I get a phone call. On the other end is police officer, one of six who, as it turned out, were parked out front of the dorm in 3 cars, one of which also held a K9.

Turns out these lads had made enough noise that they were on the radar of the local police dpt, and had been for a while.

They know who to see but not exactly where to go, I have the keys and I know my way around, so I escort them up to the room they have in mind.

They knock, the door opens, they announce they have a warrant, and 3 uniformed blokes step into the little dorm room, its so smooth and fast, the door shuts behind them.

It must have been damn cramped in there, about 20 minutes later they exit the room with garbage bags full of stuff. As well as the guys (unlocked) phone.

Turns out old mate and his best friend who lived across the hall had been really making a go of it. The cops found about an ice-cream containers worth of loose weed from memory in the room, among all the other usual shit.

These lads had been selling to all their friends at cost, which had been wholesale prices, and had been doing it all via text on their iphones. There was a complete log of every sale on the phone.

The cops didnt even know about the 2nd guy. They found out from the phone, and came back in 2 weeks for another unannounced visit.

Not only had dipshit #2 not wiped his messages, or his phone, but both he and disphit #1 had got a another shipment of weed and were still selling it.

Also on the first phone the cops took, dozens of photos of graffiti, and said dipshits spraying and posing in front of said graffiti.

(The university was also after the culprits for this and had no idea it was them). They noticed the spray cans when they were there the first time, and when they came back the 2nd they were also still there.

They both got kicked out, and i think leaned on by the cops. No jail time, massive fines though. One moved intersate and the other was back in magistates court 4-6 months later after dropping out, moving back home and writing off his dads ute speeding.

Username: Actinolite_

I picked up a kid who looked lost in the middle of nowhere. He wasn't hurting anyone so I decided to just give him a lift. From the back of my shop he started growling and talking to himself.

Most was incoherent mumbling until I heard clear deep gutteral voice, "I don't want to eat you officer but I am very hungry." So I stopped the car and get him out of my shop and cuff him to see what I am dealing with.

His eyes are just complete saucers and it is obvious that whatever he took... It just kicked the fuck in. I take him in and start to process before taking him to the ward to detox.

Now here comes the dumb part. Once we have him isolated and calm he starts crying. The type of cry that is completely raw with heavy gasps and sobs.

I ask him what is wrong and he says, "I have to pee." I tell him that is an easy fix and there is no reason to cry. He adds, "if I pee the world will end. It is my birthday next week and I fear I won't reach it and none of us will."

This goes on for another hour as we wait for paperwork to clear. Finally we are clear to transport to the hospital. Now this kid is shaking and in severe discomfort.

He refused to pee multiple times despite my assurances that the world will be fine. Plus I just got a new shop so there is no fucking way I'm gonna have a kid piss in it if I can help it.

So I uncuff and take the kid by the hand as if he is a toddler and take him to the toilet. I start coaching him at the urinal to just let go.

If the world ends I am right here with him. He finally pees and the sobbing was just unbearable as he apologized to his mother (she wasn't there) for allowing her to die because he couldn't hold it anymore. I am standing there as some fucking weird motivational coach cheering him on.

He starts to sing God is watching us while a few LEO's gather to watch the performance of a lifetime... Perhaps literally as his draining blatter may bring the Apocalypse.

He FINALLY finishes and he stands there waiting for the first horseman to arrive. He looks at me with a literal expression of mental and physical relief and says, "I want to be a cop."

I put his bracelets back on and say, "fuck it. Why not. You saved us from the Apocalypse." He agreed and he gave me no more trouble.

Whatever he took he tripped for another 2 days.

Username: MasticatorME

I worked at a popular grocery store when I was a teenager. My friend and I schemed up a plan fo steal alcohol. We would either drink it ourselves or trade it to our other friends for goods that they would steal from their jobs or just sell it.

I’m not sure how it is at other grocery stores but alcohol would come into the store directly from the manufacturer if it was a large enough quantity. If it was just a 6/12 pack here or there of non-popular stuff then it would come in on a standard truck.

For some reason, the store let me, a 16-17 year old handle stocking alcohol. First mistake. Second mistake was that the person who took in the alcohol usually worked like 5a-2p and stupidly left his new password for the inventory on a post-it.

I took advantage of that and would login using his credentials but not on a computer. I would use one of those handheld scanners where I would be out of sight on a camera.

My friend and I would basically adjust the inventory when one of us worked at the same time as the inventory guy (usually weekends) and then “take the trash out” but bury stolen alcohol under the actual trash. Gross, but it was covered and it was really the only way we could get it out the door.

We only really found out by testing it out that the camera near the dumpster had a blind spot if you drove against the wall of the store to the back end of the dumpster.

We would then crawl under the dumpster where we hid the alcohol and then drive away with the goods.

My friend and I made the mistake of adding someone else into the mix. He got super wasted on a day off once and came into the store and tried to steal alcohol outright.

He didn’t snitch on us but he apparently gave up enough details for store management to start paying very close attention to us original two.

We stayed quiet for a little bit but as we got closer to graduation, we tried it again and got busted almost immediately. Fired on the spot.

They threatened legal action but were gracious enough to let us go since we were both bound for college, which I’m still thankful that they did. Otherwise, life may have been a little tougher.

I don’t regret it though. I’m 31 now and still have this amazing leather wallet from trading Woodchuck cider to a classmate and made a decent amount of cash (for a high school kid) off that.

Username: jofin156

Stopped a car for speeding. Smell weed and get the two occupants out for a quick search. They were bf and gf. I arrest both for active warrants and seat them both in the back of my car. All I find during the vehicle search is paraphernalia and some pills.

While I was searching the car, the bf and gf decided to have a wonderfully detailed conversation about the drugs they were actively shoving into their “prison pockets”...while in the backseat of my car...that had a camera...and microphone.

The weed they had was a misdemeanor...concealing evidence was a felony for each of them.

The bf was on parole and ended up catching the rest of his chain for his previous felony offenses. The gf threatened she was gonna get me fired cuz her mom “works for the city”.

Turns out her mom was a secretary at the road/bridge department. The gf ended up catching a chain for other narcotics offenses a few months later. I’m still a cop and they are still in jail, hopefully learning whatever lessons they needed to.

Separate incident: I had complaint about someone that rolled through a residential neighborhood and shot a deer on someone’s lawn. I get there and see that it’s a nice buck. I’m a hunter and I gamble that the poacher is gonna come back for his trophy deer.

I hide my car and start talking to the witness. About 30 seconds later the guy comes rolling back through the neighborhood.

The original witness starts pointing at the truck and yelling that it’s the same guy. I get into a short pursuit and the guy decides to stop. Turns out it’s a kid on the college shooting team...high as fuuuck.

He was rolling around with some weed, stolen firearms, stolen police uniforms items, and other evidence that linked him and his friends to numerous civilian and law enforcement vehicle burglaries across the state.

Got a warrant for a forensic dump on his phone and the doofus (and his accomplices) were posing with all kinds of stolen gear, suppressed rifles, body armor, and uniforms.

Didn’t even try to hide the agency patches. The kid didn’t even have a hunting license and he was on parole for a previous residential burglary.

He was obviously booted from college, had his parole violated, and destroyed any hope for a decent/rewarding future any time soon...all because he got super high and wanted to poach a deer.

Username: tangomcgee

I observed a vehicle make an abrupt turn, clearly with the intent of avoiding me (I was parked on the other side of the intersection).

I followed him and he kind of sped up but turned into a dead-end street. I walked up to the car, which smelled like weed, and he denied having any.

I interviewed a passenger, who admitted the driver had a joint and threw it out of the window when I chased after them.

The idiot didn't throw it far enough and the joint landed on the front hood of the car next to the windshield wipers.

He went to jail for tampering with evidence, which is a felony, when he couldn't simply received a summons for the possession of drug paraphernalia.

We get people who provide fictitious identifying information all the time and we usually catch them when they misstate their age. I was born on 01/01/1968 and the fucking guy's clearly in his twenties.

They'll also forget what DOB they gave so you ask them again ten minutes later and they've forgotten.

The dumbest liar had to be the dude who lied about everything and was pretty confident in his answers until he gave me his real Social Security number, which revealed probation violation warrants and a criminal history longer than the Great Wall of China.

I have managed to convince many domestic batterers who've fled the scene prior to my arrival to return to the scene and confess to the assault, usually telling me they're very sorry. I never promise them they're not going to be arrested but they keep coming back.

The idiocy of intoxicated drivers is astounding. DWI's are my forte, so I see all kinds. I had a guy try to tell me that he hadn't been drinking and was coming from his grandmother's house (at 3:00AM) even though he was wearing the neon pink wristband that he was issued from the club.

I also have had several people hide drugs up their butt and women hid things in their vagina... I usually make them get it themselves.

Guy came to buy a car from some private sellers, they kindly allowed him to test drive it and he never returned.

Not only had he left his ID behind, he also posted an Instagram picture with the stolen vehicle.

However, he'd swapped out the plate on the stolen vehicle... with his own license plate to a different vehicle he owned.

Username: foxthechicken

Would y'all take a dumb security story? At my site, if there is a no-injury accident involving any company vehicle (tow motor, forklift, etc,) you have to be transported (by security) to a medical facility for a drug test and breathalyzer.

One day, a supervisor brings up this young girl, maybe early 20s. I was surprised, as i'd never noticed her around, and most of the people running machines here are grizzled old guys who'd been truckers. (You need HAZMAT transport certs to do these jobs here.)

Whatever. We get in the car, and she says, "wait, I need to go back inside for something." I tell her I can't let her re-enter the facility until the tests are complete, company policy, etc.

I told her I might be able to get her supervisor to bring it out to her. (Some people choose to bring medical paperwork, prescriptions, etc, just so there isn't any BS, which is smart.)

"No, I need to get my fake piss out of my gear locker." My brain almost short-circuited.

When I regained control of my brain a second later, I told her there is no way that is happening, and that it was illegal (this was a lie, at least in my state, but I was banking on her not knowing that and it worked.)

She's like, "I know, but i've used it two times before and it worked!"

Throughout our ride to the local medical center, she offered me money, tried to get me to stop at her friends' houses so they could piss in a bottle, told me I was ruining her life, you name it.

I got her to calm down by explaining that a bad test would only result in the company starting an "investigation," which is true.

You don't get immediately fired, and they do give a chance for legitimate circumstances to be posed. One person failed for methadone they didn't disclose they used beforehand, but kept their job after showing proof that they were in a legitimate rehab program for heroin addiction.

We get to medical center, and the supervisor from another post is there on unrelated business. He noticed I had a weird look, puts two and two together, and mouths to me, "does she know she's gonna fail?"

"Yep." She passes the breathalyzer, fails drug test for weed and possibly other stuff. We ride back to the plant in silence. That was a stack of paperwork.

Username: spiderlanewales

Was dispatched to a domestic dispute. It was a slow night so several units showed up.

Arrive at the address and find it was two of our 'frequent fliers' who we'll call Bob and Mary. Mary was pissed and wanted us to arrest Bob.

Now, we all knew Bob was a local drug dealer but it was rare we caught him with anything. So we're cool with arresting him if we can.

But in attempting to talk to Mary, it doesn't sound like he'd done anything that were could get him on. So we take Bob outside and just ask him to go stay the night with a friend and give Mary a chance to cool down.

Mary overhears this, disappears back into the house and then comes back out with a large purse. She walks up to one of the patrol cars and slams her purse on the hood, reaches inside and starts pulling out dime bags.

She eventually builds a small pyramid of weed on the hood of this car. When she's done she points at in and in a tone of righteous fury yells, "those are his!" and pointed at Bob.

I look around and every officer the has this blank look on his face. And no one says a word for a few heartbeats. Then the Sargent looks to Bob and asks "sir, is that your purse?"

Bob very politely states that it is not. Another officer informs Mary that she's under arrest and starts to cuff her. But Mary is committed to getting Bob in trouble.

While she's being arrested she starts yelling random insults at Bob, eventually telling him his best friend was better in bed.

As she expected Bob got pissed off and lands a right hook across her jaw... as she's being cuffed... in front of four officers.

They were both arrested. Both bonded out within the hour and went home together. Got into another fight, Bob called the police. Mary tried to stab Bob while another officer and I were present.

Mary was arrested again, this time having to be pepper sprayed before submitting. She spent the night in jail before bonding out again.

I continued to work in that area for about 3 more years. After several more arrests Mary finally started making strides toward getting her life together.

Bob continued selling drugs until he moved away and probably continued selling at his new home as well.

Username: webgambit

I am not a cop but as of Saturday night, a helpful citizen. My girlfriend and I were driving down a well traveled 5 lane road in my town around 8pm.

About a quarter mile ahead of me I saw a car make a left turn onto the road heading the same direction as me except he didn't quite turn enough and went directly into a light poll.

He immediately backed up and drove off but was serving and hitting the curb as he was going. I assumed that he was probably drunk so I decided to follow him and call the police.

He ended up pulling into a popular outdoor mall area about a half mile down the street where I then watched him try to park in a parking spot that had a light poll in it and then attempt to parallel park.

He finally parked, but not before going over the curb a few times and backing into the car parked behind him.

After sitting in his car for a few minutes he starts it and drives off and I am unable to follow him anymore.

A police officer arrives a few minutes later and I write out a police report. Fast forward about an hour, I get a call and it is the police officer I talked to earlier and he wants me to identify the drunk guy we saw. We get there, he shows us the picture and it is the right guy.

This is where the story gets funny. I asked the officer where they found him and he says that since I was able to give them a license plate number they had an officer wait at the drunk guy's apartment for him to return.

When the guy showed up, the officer waited for him to get out of his car but the drunk guy was having trouble.

The drunk guy started freaking out and eventually kicked the door open while the police watched in amusement.

Apparently the drunk guy hit the light pole so hard the front fenders bent and jammed the doors so he couldn't open the front doors of the car. The drunk guy was driving because he was hungry and decided to go to Chipotle.

He never got Chipotle because he couldn't get out of his car when he got there so he drove back home.

Username: bobbbbbs

Not an officer, but work in an agency, so the guys are always telling me stories. A good one I was told recently was from a CIU (Criminal Investigation Unit) Officer. They work closely with K9’s to chase down the bad guys on foot.

They were chasing this guy down who was a known Meth dealer. They ended up going through some back yards.

The K9 Officer hadn’t released his dog on account of the CIU Officer had began chasing before the K9 Unit had a chance to release his hound, so he had to begin chasing on foot and “forgot” the dog hadn’t been released.

They finally pin the guy they’re chasing down in an elderly woman’s back yard. She’s inside, but comes out shortly because of all the racket the Meth dealer is making.

At this point, he’s on the ground and they’re trying to restrain him properly to ensure the civilians safety and that he won’t be able to continue running.

As they’re finally getting the restraints put on him, he starts yelling out:
“I SHIT. MY PANTS!”
“I’M SHITTING MY PAAANTS!”

The CIU officer that had pinned him, having already successfully restraining him immediately jumped off of him. He described the scene as “the guy definitely crapped himself. It ran everywhere down his pants and the smell was terrible.”

At this point, the CIU officer asks the civilian if he is able to use her hose - you see, he doesn’t want to transport the Dealer in his vehicle smelling like shit. Plus he would have to clean his car after and it was much easier to just do it there, in this little old ladies backyard, with her hose.

She obliged and the K9 Officer goes to get the hose ready as the CIU Officer starts pulling the Dealers pants off after standing him up.

All while the Elderly woman is watching, they spray the shit off of him and his pants using the hose so they can finally transport him.

They did a blood test on him later and it turns out he was high during the chase, so that’s why he couldn’t control his bowels.

Username: CritLuck

Not a cop, but had a friend who tried to get me in on a steal. I turned it down because his plan seemed stupid. He switched me for another friend of mine and the whole thing worked like a charm.

He was an overnight guard at a relatively large tech company. He had been doing the job for five-ish years and was about a month from quitting. He had always done the job by himself and therefore had time to snoop around all by himself.

He found the accountant’s office, and somehow discovered that they often left $75,000 in hard cash in a drawer for pickup later in the week. And it always varied by a few dollars. So one day, he’s realizes that there are no cameras in that office.

And he’s supposed to go in and check the room anyways, so when he goes in; he takes a couple hundred dollars. And nobody said anything because the company makes enough money that it’s barely noticeable.

He did this a few more times before getting an idea. One part of his job was driving over to another company midway through the night and checking it out. So this is where it gets interesting.

He leaves one night to check the other building, checks it, and goes to get McDonald’s (that part is important).

The other friend smashes a window to get into the camera-less room, and takes all 75k. The alarms go off, but he gets out in time because the person who is supposed to show up and check the alarm is, and you guessed it; My friend the security guard.

He was seen on camera checking the other building as well as at McDonald’s. So he isn’t charged with anything and the company writes off the money.

Because he technically didn’t do anything wrong, and the security company has to save face; They fire my friend, and he gets a severance package worth $25k. For those of you keeping score; They’re up $100k.

The security company needs to hire a new person. Who do they hire? The guy who broke in the first time.

They watch the place for another month or two, and when they are certain that the tech company didn’t bother to update their camera systems or anything, they repeat the job again, just switching roles.

All in all, they earned about $190,000 by the end of this. Since they fucked up bu telling me at the beginning; They gave me $10k to not tell anyone.

Not that it mattered. I’m pretty sure they have never spoken to each other again, and they blew all the money anyways.

Username: QuidThePQliar

Another friend and another car theft story...God I have terrible friends.

I had this friend in high school, let's call him "Mike". Mike's parents bought his a brand new Jeep Wrangler and Mike was not a responsible person in even the slightest.

One day leaving a party, Mike rolled his Jeep driving home drunk.

When I say rolled, I really mean he flipped the Jeep on it's passenger side and not a complete rollover. He managed to walk away unharmed but the passenger side and roof of the Jeep were toast.

He had a friend come pick him up off the side of the road and they used a winch to flip the Jeep back on the tires and towed it to his house. He lived in a rural area on about 50 acres or so with plenty of area to hide the Jeep.

Mike knows his life is pretty much over when he wakes up in the morning and has no idea what to do. Couple hours later, he comes up with the brilliant idea to steal a Jeep and try to pass it off as his own.

There was an almost identical Jeep at a car lot in town with the only difference being it was an automatic and his was a stick shift.

Same color, some engine, same options, etc. He goes back that night and steals the Jeep out of the lot and takes it to where his Jeep was stashed.

Him and his friend take the windshield, Vin plate and driver door off the new Jeep and swap it with the VIN plate and door off his old Jeep.

Didn't have fuel injection so there were no worries about the computer or electronics. They rekeyed the ignition and doors so that his old keys and spare set would work on the stolen Jeep.

The only difference you could tell was that it was an automatic instead of a stick shift. Whever other people would ask and say "I thought it was a manual?"

He'd like and tell them he had it converted. No idea how his parents never knew or if they did and kept it to themselves but either way, he got away with it and even sold the Jeep years later without issue.

As for the old Jeep, they eventually tore most of it down and hauled it into the middle of nowhere and dumped it. Where they went, people abandon cars and old junk all the time so it was nothing out of the ordinary.

Several years later and after he had already sold the stolen Jeep, there was a cleanup out where they dumped the wrecked Jeep where all the abandoned cars and other junk we're flown out with helicopters. Never heard anything about the Jeep after that.

Username: [deleted]

In the late 80's i had a dodge dart swinger. I bought it and never registered it, or plated it (back then in Ontario you kept the plates on the vehicle). Never insured it either and, well truth be told I had never bothered to get a licence...

Its was a great car but only the drivers side front brake worked. It was great at turning left as all you had to do was stand on the brakes and it would 4 wheel slide around the corner. A great trick for a 17 year old :)

So me and my gf are taking our new kitten to the vet and it squirms out of her arms and decides to hide at my feet while i am driving.

I reach down and try and drag her out as traffic stops in front of me. I cant step on the brake as i might crush her.

As i frantcally dig her out from behind the pedals and step on the brake the car just skids on its one braking wheel and i rear end the car in front.

We are downtown and there is a bus behind and it all goes crazy.

I get out and go to the lady in front, no one is hurt, its just a fender bender and i convince her to pull to the side while we sort out insurance details.

She pulls over and i burn it down a side street. The gf is flipping and yelling and i pull into a parking lot and go around back, park the car, roll down the windows, and throw the keys into the bush.

Hell i had only paid $500 for the car and it was a wreck anyway.

We walk away while she yells and screams at me and that's all... until abou 3 years later I am pulled over in a completely legitimate car for a minor speeding infraction and get arrested for an outstanding warrant for a fail to remain at the scene of an accident...

I go to the station and they tell me its about a green dodge dart rear end accident... i act stupid and say it wasnt a dart it was a motorcycle and yes i had a rear ender but there was inly damage to my bike and everything was fine.

Court date arrives. The crown goes on about a motor bike accident, the the insurance co is going on about a green dodge dart, its a shit show... the judge gets mad, reams them all out and makes them apologise for wasting my time... end of... i walk away with nothing.

Username: MadMulti